Tuesday Evening

Since the Christmas season started I haven't been able to write nothing other than a few lines. I tried to start a story I thought I wanted to write. On the left you'll see the story Prodigal Mother. Right now I am writing a story I never thought I'd be writing. The story I begun tonight, Visions of Life. My partner too us out tonight. We went out for a walk. I rode in my chair, so I was technically pushed... They gave me the storyline I needed to write and I think I will even have fun writing. I haven't had fun writing since I finished writing my first novel.

I finished writing Healing the Wounds end of November. It was a NaNoWriMo story.I was a winner this year. I was proud of myself and I actually finished a novel. I'm hoping I can finished this story. I feel inside that this is the story I am meant to be writing. I closed my eyes when I write, and say a little prayer and let God's Holy Ghost/Spirit guide my hands and mind to write a story he would be proud of me writing.

Holiday Traditions

On a writing group I'm on, They're talking about traditions and if you look deep inside your family, whether it be blood family or otherwise. Each family has traditions of some sort. My blood family had traditions, but they were abusive towards me. I left that life behind and now I'm in a new family. An American family. I have a husband, his family and our church family.

My new family here in Indianapolis, I have a caring family. my family here consists of my mother-in-law, father-in-law, three brother-in-laws and my husband. They treat me like I'm part of the family. Every holiday we get together, have dinner and spend time talking about our lives and how much God has blessed us all. I believe that is a tradition.

Our church friends, we get together at least once a month, talk about our lives and share some scripture with each other and talk about what that scripture says to each of us. I love these times. To me this is my life and I'm glad I have my friends and family...

Inspiration

Today I spent the morning and part of the afternoon playing Pokemon. I reset my Diamond, while my partner reset their Pearl. I beat my first two gyms and I found while playing I got a little inspiration. I mean I get inspiration playing games, walking outside(not in the snow). Right now the weather is snowy and I hate it. Being disabled and confided to a wheelchair, means when it snows you don't get to go outside. Which my inspiration is lacking somewhat.

When I'm stuck inside and my partner is home, they just being home gives me so much inspiration. Whether it be writing more on my current story, or giving me inspiration for a new story. I have notebooks which I note each story idea I get, I note down and then if later I want to write a new story, I do. I'm glad I have my life, my friends and my partner...

Sunday Weather & Inspiration

It's now 4:50pm and I was getting bored all day, but I didn't go to church due to being in intense pain in my back and lower legs. I think I also have to get my inspiration going and into writing when I can. I love writing, but right now I'm writing two stories, In the American Jungle and Circle of Friends. I love writing, I get to let my inner child out and write like I'm that child. I get ideas for stories mostly every night. Right now Today I have been writing my Circle of Friends. I'm getting so much writing down this afternoon, plus the snow has been falling most of the day so far. I hate !SNOW!

Right now my cat Emily is trying to get attention, but I want to write. I haven't written here since the beginning of December. I need to get writing daily so people who want to read my blog can see what I do and how I love writing so much. Writing is a pleasure and I find if I don't write at least a little something, I get depressed and feeling very low and down. I believe my writing is a way to express myself and letting others know what talents I have in this mini brain of mine.

Poem - Just wanna say I Love You

I just wanna say I love you
and feel it coming out from my heart
I just wanna say I love you
and hear the soft beats of your heart
I just wanna say I love you
and get my life to start...

I just wanna see you beside me
everynight...
and feel your soft touch
everynight...
I just wanna show you
how much my love's true and right...

I just wanna confess to you
and hear that you love me too
you are my "everynight" dream
my osession has become extreme
I just wanna say I love you
and make that all come true..

Update On Story - In the American Jungle

Yesterday I had a remarkable amount of inspiration. I wrote around three thousand words plus. I was hoping to get some more done today, but nothing happened. Nothing spoke to me about this story. I got inspiration about a couple of other stories I want to write, I got the plan onto paper and then I became blocked again. I get story ideas, and I write them down into a notebook I have. I have one for the home, and one for when I'm out and about with my partner. They were very inspirational when it comes to writing.

Update: Writing a Masterpiece

I finished my novel, my first novel. I have to admit, I didn't think I had it inside me. My church friends and family are proud of me finishing my book. Title - Healing the Wounds is finished. If you want to know what it's about, look under the Blurbs on the side bar. It talks about a young boy's life.

What is Next ?

While moving forward on my current novel, which I'm almost finished. I have 42,000 words for it right now and on Chapter Seventeen. I believe this is the first story/novel I've started and going to finish in my entire writing career. Healing the Wounds is becoming a enjoyable read and very enjoyable to write. I want to move on and thinking about the many different novel idea's I have inside my head, I want to get outside and written. I'm thinking of writing a gay christian novel that I think I have inside my mind and in my heart to write. but the thing is should I write them now or further along the line.

Writing lets me get my emotions and feeling out onto paper. I had a horrible life growing up. The abuse from my family and the abandonment issues I face and in my mind constantly. I want to rid myself of these emotions, the negative emotions I have in my head. If I write I feel they are slowly leaving my mind. I'm thankful for God and my family I have around me right now. If it wasn't for them, and their encouragement I doubt I'd be around right now. I'm thankful for the many different blessing I have in my life. I have my laptop, my friends from church, and other friends. Plus my family I have around me right now. I'm writing this to remember to be thankful for all that God has given me including my faith in HIM.

Poem - This is My Heart

This is my heart,
it cracks, it breaks
then I start to shake.
How much more can it take,
then for my sake...

These are my eyes,
they burn, they cry
then i start to despise.
When will I realize,
that I slowly die...

These are my ears,
the listen, they hear
and absorb my fears.
When will it be clear,
that the end is near...

But none of this will ever really matter,
with every breath growing more worthless.
And then when my heart shatters,
what will be my purpose?

This is my face,
it's pitiful, it's traced
and the meaning's displaced.
I am this hopeless case,
showing nothing but disgrace.

Poem - Give me Peace

Speak not of things that numb my senses,
Those bring an endless pain,
Say not stories that break the heart
Lest sadness hit me again.

All I want is to forget the pain
And all that happened in the past;
Yet my memories haunt me still
Will this all forever last?

Why has the smile faded from lips?
Why is my laughter gone?
I've no hope nor will,
Nor the courage to carry on.

Say to me the words that soothe,
The stories that thrill and melodies that please,
Let there be none of all those pains
And let my heart live in peace.

Poem - Should I stay or Should I go?

I woke up again this morning,
With a pain beating my chest.
I thought I was leaving then,
But I also knew the very best.

I didn't have those symptoms,
Of such another broken heart.
You didnt see my crystal tears,
As, I'm no longer falling apart.

I protected all these slim scars,
From a sight of one another.
I lived with such a pretty smile,
When confronted by my mother.

Nobody noticed the difference,
They thought I was fighting on.
I agree that I was still smiling,
Even when my heart was gone.

I got up each morning though,
And did my very best to survive.
Some people asked questions,
But all they saw was, I was alive.

Now the thoughts circle me,
Should I stay, or should I go?
I've made up my mind today,
And the answers I will show.

Poem - Mother, I Love You

You gave me all I could need.
You raised me beautifully.
You talk to me when I'm down.
Best of all you turn my frown upside-down.

You listen to my problems.
You try your best to help.
Sometimes I wonder why,
I deserve such a great help.

I know it hasn't been easy,
and I haven't always made you proud.
But all I ask is don't give up..
Because, well...I love you..and your my mom..

Poem - Mom

Mom,
You hurt me with the words you said.
I cried,
and I can't forget.
All I want to do is forget...
But I can't.

I don't care.
I don't care anymore!
You are but a mere memory.
A bitter useless memory,
that is no good to me.

Dad was right for leaving.
I should have done it to,
now I will.
I understand what he went through,
now anyways.
I thought he was mean to you,
But I was off.
Way off.

Mom,
you hurt me with the words you said.
I couldn't forget,
But now it's my time.
My time to forget everything about you.
Goodbye forever mom.
Goodbye, and good riddance!

Poem - Just wanna say I Love You

I just wanna say I love you
and feel it coming out from my heart
I just wanna say I love you
and hear the soft beats of your heart
I just wanna say I love you
and get my life to start...

I just wanna see you beside me
everynight...
and feel your soft touch
everynight...
I just wanna show you
how much my love's true and right...

I just wanna confess to you
and hear that you love me too
you are my "everynight" dream
my osession has become extreme
I just wanna say I love you
and make that all come true..

Update: Writing a Masterpiece

Yesterday was a hard day with everything busy and going here, going there and getting some writing done. I got about 2,000 words written on my story and I do believe I can finish this by end of the month. I'm enjoying writing this story, plus when I get writers block, or get stuck, my partner gives me a boost and I'm going again. I believe this will be my first completed novel. I've been writing on and off for about six to seven years now. Usually I start and get half way through and then give up. This time I working through the days I don't get no inspiration and work through the hard times.

My word count is 34,000+ today. I'm hoping to get another 1,00 to 2,000 done again today...

Poem - If I Died Tomorrow

Lately I'm OK with dying,
And perhaps I'm a little depressed,
I know things will get better and I'm down in a slump,
But If I were to die today,
I'd be content with that.

Nothing has configured in my life so far,
I'm not successful as the rest,
My self sufficient insecurities,
Allow me to be OK with death.

Living has been a struggle,
I'm still fighting through,
And my will to live is strong,
But If I died tomorrow it would be totally cool.

My indifference to it all
Scares the hell out of me.
I'd like to live a long strong life,
But If I died tomorrow it'd be no big deal.

So what's my risk of drying?
As I swallow one more happy pill,
I'm living on the edge where I don't want to die
But if I did it wouldn't matter to me still.

Life is something I'm tired of,
but I don't actively seek out suicide,
But if I've done enough to take it all too far,
Then I wouldn't mind if I died.

And not the least bit sorry about who I'd leave behind.

I'm living on the edge,
All that matters is me,
I'm as selfish as they come;
And if I died tomorrow,
It wouldn't even faze me.

Poem - That Boy

Day After Day
He Walks Around
Head Bowed Low
Parallel To The Ground
With Dark Brown Hair
And Soft Blue Eyes
Same Clothes As Yesterday
His Face Flushed From Cries
At Lunch he Sits Slouched
Over An Empty Tray
Alone At The End Of A Table
The Same Table Everyday
Nobody Notices Him
Or The Pink Scars That Decorate His Wrists
It's Sad To Think That If He Left One Day
He Probably Wouldn't Be Missed...

Poem - My Last Breath

My voice is shaken
You can hear the death
Was i mistaken
Or is this my last breath....

Evening Update: Writing a Masterpiece

It's now 10pm, and I have lunch and dinner. We went out for dinner, had a big Italy from Pizza Hut. Love that pizza. I started my word count was 26,768 now I have 29,210. I believe this is progress and I have enjoyed writing today. Writing this story is helping me in so many ways. It is getting some of my feeling out from my own life. Plus I believe this book will be a seller one day. This is just the draft and will need editing and re-writing. But first the draft...

Poem - The World Transforms

He is so handsome
now he looks for a flaw
instead of engaging
he willingly withdraws
there goes the world
up go the four walls
not convinced,he's raging
about the unfairness of it all

Cannot converse
though his eyes see perfection
these thought patterns quite perverse
on another self reflection
falling from bad to worse
the world transforms into verse
could be a blessing
though it seems like a curse
a little window dressing
or a strange need for confessing

Overreaction leads to action
though it may not have
a desired end result
maybe just sleeping
a sad attempt at dreaming
figuring out who is at fault
while the world keeps right on scheming
faith is fleeting
the world needs to crash to a halt

We are all a little bit older
not quite ready
for a nose dive into that grave
Life is for living
experiences meant to savor and save
so take these random words
any way you want
any interpretation
born from frustration
just dive into that familiar haunt

Poem - Lost and Gone

A feeling fleeting away
once cascaded from the stars,
embodying all I could want
now restrained from view.

Moments so cherished,
whispering away feelings.
Locking my heart into submission,
denying me even hope.

Dreams spent in heaven
burn to ashes in agony
from even your appearance,
lingering on my fallen path.

Radiance bright as the sun
with joy seeping into me,
overfilling my cup
transfixed on your beauty.

Pausing troubling thoughts,
caring for me night and day,
ending troubling thoughts
encompassing me in heaven.

Lost and all gone now
washed away with the tides,
taking away my world and peace
leaving only my broken heart.

Thursday Morning - Project Writing Masterpiece

I got up this morning around 7:15am. it's now 10am and I've written nearly wrote a thousand words. I believe my story is going to be finished by end of year. I might not finish by November, but I have every intent to finish the book. I believe this will be the first novel I've started that I have every intent to finish. Plus I have the sequel ready to be written. I believe this trilogy is going to be awesome.

Scott Nash Series
Book 1: Healing the Wounds
Book 2: One Last Chance
Book 3: Mending a Broken Heart

Nanowrito - Nine Days

Right now I believe as it's the ninth day into National Writers Month (nanowrito). I have start this year and hoping to complete it and maybe getting my first novel finished and published if I can. The story I'm writing is Healing the Wounds, you can check o what the story is about on the Blurbs link on the sidebar. I believe this year I will complete a novel and getting it out there for people to read is my next chore of the year. Things are going to get better and I know it.

My partner is hoping to get a full-time job and I'm hoping to finish a novel and that are our goals for 2010. If you love writing, whatever you write, do it. Live the dream. My dream is coming up. I want to be an American. But I'm not. I'm British and I live in Indianapolis, Indiana. I love it here. We have two cats, which are cool and naughty at times of the day. Emily is mine, Pacer is my partners. But we love both of them...

Poem - Thrown Away

I cannot stand being in this place

Where to people I'm just a face

That there is no life at all in me

I am the soul that no one can see

I just drag around and pushed down

I cant stand my ground or make sounds

No one can hear me or wants to

I am the person that people only screw

If you see me well thats quite not true

I am someone that you can see through

I have no right to thoughts and no right to speak

All of my pain continues on me as streaks

My scars show who I am today

I am the person who gets thrown away

Everything I sacrifice and everything I give

But no one around me cares me to live.

Poem - Me!

People don't know what I'm going through,
They don't know what it is like to be me.
They don't see how much I'm in pain,
Their eyes are blinded, they cannot see.

These scars i have are permanent,
These cuts wont fade.
This hole in my heart is so deep,
I wish they wouldn't stay.

No one understands,
Why i act like i do.
Its who i am,
Its me being true.

Poem - Just tell me why?

You say it'll all be okay but how?
You say this pain will fade but when?
You will always remember what happen & how & when
But i wish i would forget
Because if i forget
I wont cry every night
Wanna hurt myself for something i didn't stop
All i do at night is think of what went wrong
I feel like I'm a burden to my family
And the few people who i trusted with my life
Vanished in a split sec.
If gods not trying to punish me
When why does he want me to suffer?
I didn't think i was a bad person
But i guess i was wrong
Just tell me why?

Poem - Sleeping Away Pain

Northing's perfect in this world,
so why should I wait for things to go back to normal?
Somethings always going to go wrong.
When there's not a thing you can do about it.

I'm going to be strong,
because this is all life.
I'm not making the stress go away,
not with a knife.
I'm done cutting,
it doesn't help lately.
The pains to much to handle.
But I'm going to sleep it away.

I'm greatly hurt and no one cares.
So I don't understand why I should be alive.
I am though, so I'm just going to start living life.

Poem - If Not For You

If not for you, I wouldn't know
What true love really meant.
I'd never feel this inner peace;
I couldn't be content.

If not for you, I'd never have
The pleasures of romance.
I'd miss the bliss, the craziness,
Of loves sweet, silly dance.

I have to feel your tender touch;
I have to hear your voice;
No other one could take your place;
You're it; I have no choice.

If not for you, I'd be adrift;
I don't know what I'd do;
I'd be searching for my other half,
Incomplete, if not for you.

Poem - I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for being so nice,
I'm sorry for being so broken.
I'm sorry for not trusting you and holding on to you.
I'm sorry for pushing you away,
when you held me in your arms.
I know I'm worthless, and you shouldn't be loving me
I feel rueful, and every time we argue
it turns into a gloomy day.
I'm sorry for leaving you for that dirty boy,
I felt bad it was my nice side.
You're not a decoy,
leading me into danger.
You're not going to break my heart.
I'm sorry for directing you into being broken,
and leading you into a trap.
When I had you I dropped it.
I didn't mean to, it just happened.
But now I love you, so what else can I say?
Other than I'll never leave you again.
It's Always & Forever Baby.

Progress Report : Healing the Wounds

Since yesterday I've written about five thousand words. My writing plan is working wonders within me. First I pray, then I read God's Word and then I feel focused and I get to my computer and I can begin writing. I believe God has given me the tools to bring the young into his fold. He gave me the gift of words and writing. I believe through my writing, either in poems or stories either long or short. My words bring the young into his church and showing them that he loves them, he is calling them to believe and into his unconditional love he gives us all if we only pray and read his word daily. He is here for us all. Just believe and trust in his word.

Starting Point: 14,090
Starting Time: noon
Ending Point:  16,244
Ending Time: 7pm

Progress Report - Scott Nash Story to Healing the Wounds

At 11am this morning, I had therapy. it went well. After that I saw Pat, most probably for the last time. It was an update and boy was it long. Then we walked over to see if I could get a new doctor. I have an appointment to see a new doctor Thursday afternoon next week. I got home and had lunch. I had two banana sandwiches and then I tried relaxing.

After checking emails and reading a little. I got inspired and I wrote 2,000 words since 1:35pm. It's now 4:15pm. I consider I did well on my writing progress. Plus I'm getting the feeling this story is a goldmine. So in time I hope to finish the story, plus find another title. I don't really like the title I've given it. Just talked to my muse, partner. They told me a good title for the three books on Scott Nash trilogy.

The titles are:
Book 1: Healing the Wounds
Book 2: One Last Chance
Book 3: Mending a Broken Heart

Inspiration and Research

This morning I didn't at once feel inspired to write nothing. Every morning since Sunday I haven't been inspired to write. I know many people who know me think I'm a good write, I agree at times. But right now I don't agree. Writing is what I believe God gift. Yes, being a christian and writing is hard. At time I believe in God, at other times I don't. I want to write gay or transgendered fiction, plus my memoir doesn't want to come out. I know I have it hidden inside my head, but I'm frightened if I begin to write a gay/trans fiction people at church will denounce me.

I love my friends, but when I decided to come out to them, they blew me off. This hurt deeply. I wanted them to understand, but I doubt that will ever happen. In some cases I believe I've got good friends, in others I don't. Like a friend's husband, told me I shouldn't write these sorts of stories. I should write christian novels like my present one. I'm not only confused, but lost for where to start to figure out what sort of stories I'm meant to write.

My Scott Nash Story is about a boy who is abused by his mother and is rescued by his maternal grandmother, whom is an abusive in some ways. This story is getting hard to write. It's hard because It's a mirror image of my own life when I was Scott's age. Scott is 12yrs. He gets a social worker ad is put into a foster home. In the said foster home he is taught not all people are cruel and they end up adopting him.

Not I have a story I want to write. A story of a trouble child/teen struggling with being a gay trans-boy, but living in a female body. This is also based on my real life. I feel my life can be a guide to other trans and gay kids out there to read. In hopes of getting my gay/trans story written one day. Maybe today, maybe soon. I don't know right now.

Poem - Without You {Troi}

Your gone so I cannot breathe
Why was it so easy for you to leave?
I will always love you why can't you see?
Nothing else matters your the world to me

I'd swim for you even though I'd drown
I'd fly for you even though I don't know how
I would take you place in a hostage situation
Since you left I have had nothing but sorrow and devastation

What could I do to make this right?
How can I live without you in my life
I don't think I can go another night
Without knowing your here by my side

Poem - Heartbreaker

I can't stop crying. There's puddles of tears everywhere. My eyes are swollen and red from crying. My heads spinning in circles. I can't eat. I can't even sleep. My throats sore, and I can barely talk.

I'm going to go insane. I'm a small boy, in a big world.


HELP ME IF YOU CARE!

Hitting 10,000 Words - Scott Nash Story

I am pretty chuffed with myself. I have hit 10,000 words on my story, I believe this might be a hit. All I have to remember it's a rough draft, and it will need editing and polishing up after I've finished it. I believe the plot is one my best plots I've ever come up with. Plus it's helping me get my emotions and feeling out my mind and onto paper so to speak. Wish me luck...

Chapter five finally coming out the way i pictured it as. I thank supports and friends for the encouragement and faith in my talent God handing down to me.

Thanks C.R.H.P. sisters, and Melissa and Jimbo

Writing Progress - Scott Nash Story

I started this morning around 7:30am with 2,900 words. It's now 9:15am and I have 4,500 words. I believe after careful and dedicated prayer to God for guidance and  with my talent I believe this story will be done by christmas and I hope it writes as well as I love writing this story.

Excerpt:

Around three o'clock in the schoolyard, there was a fight. It was between Wade Richards and Luke Cantu. Watching the fight, reminded me of the punches mom threw at me when I was home. I hated being home, school was my safe haven. Hearing the roaring of a heavy engine, plus a screeching of tires, I turned around and noticed the fleet of yellow school buses driving into the far end of the schoolyard.  Standing there as the fight was ended, teachers were coming to Luke’s rescue.

I stood by the school gates hoping to delay the time for getting home. Once the fight was over, I climbed onto the bus. Moving down the bus, I found a seat in the middle of the bus. I got a feeling that tonight was going to be a bad one. I was used to the abusive tongue and hands of my mom.

The trip was over too soon.  I wanted to stay on the bus forever. I reluctantly climbed down the steps and headed home as slowly as possible.  Mom would be mad, but that would not be anything new.  However, something was unusual as I got there.  There were several police cars at my house as well as my grandmother’s car.  I started to hurry home to find out what was happening.

The moment I got to the garden gate, I saw mom talking with Nana Thomas and the police. I got nervous and a bit scared. I walked up to Nana and wrapping my arms around her waist. She put her hand on my shoulder and smile. Nana lifted my sweater off and showed my cut arm and the bruises on my back and chest. What was going on, I was nervous and very frightened. The police and the strange mane who was talking to Nana and the police, it was totally confusing and not the norm.

Self Discovery

Today has been rather stressful. Yesterday was even more stressful. I'm glad my stress levels are going down slightly each day. I'm starting to figure out I have to write my life journey. Right now I'm researching about using memories from my real life to implant them into a fictional story. I think that's what God is asking me. But I'm not sure what memories to use. I have many. Being 41 yrs old, is full of mistakes, and bad choices until I was thirty.

I believe God is talking to me through research and writing. He is guiding my mind, my hands and showing me what i have to write. Right now I'm researching about writing stories using memories from my childhood. The first memory I remember is when I was three and my mom hit me for the first time. Plus when I was four my father walked out leaving me behind... Watch out to discover what stories I'll write..

Daily Writing Goal - Tuesday

Time: 10:30am - 5:15pm

Goal: 2,000 words

Writing Topic: Malachi Story

Evaluation: 2,404 words

Feeling about the experience: it was delightful and inspiring

Feeling about Writing: I thought I could have done better, will try better tomorrow.

Tuesday and the Inspiration

It's Tuesday night, and we're watching Red Dwarf. Red Dwarf is a British sitcom. I've  been writing a story for the last week. This morning I decided to write, no start writing the gay fiction I had trapped inside my head out onto paper. The story is called Secrets Once Hidden. The story is about a eighteen year old young man who is dealing with coming out as being gay and a devoted catholic. I've written one chapter and a bit, 2180 words. I think that's a good bit of inspiration.

I've stopped for the last couple of days writing on my story Malachi. I intend on getting some writing done on this story and even deal with therapy which is tomorrow morning. I have high hopes of finishing Malachi be end of year, if not sooner.

Wish me luck readers of this blog...

Poem - Lets Cut

Lets cut
lets bleed a sadness
all our own
fill the blade go deep
in my skin
a smile of relief
blood flowing down
the drain
getting hard to breathe
just want to hold my
breathe forever
wanting sweet relief
deadly relief
lets cut and
hold our breathe forever
sweet
sweet
relief

Poem - I Trusted YOU

The hardest thing I'll ever do is let go of you
& look forward instead of back to my past
I wonder how long this broken heart will last.
So I'm going to move forward or at least I'm going to try
how many times can a heart crack before it shatters?

I been holding back so long
Afraid to give it all
Looking for a place to land
Trying not to fall.

I guess that saying is true that everything has an end
I cried everyday until those tears were my last
But it's okay because you all are part of my past.

I trusted you with my life
& you let me down
Let me fall down to the very bottom
With no one, no one to help me up.

Poem - Hello Mother

Hello Mother,
Do you remember me?
I hope you do,
Cause I can finally see.

Hello Mother,
Do you remember the day?
The day that you,
Gave my heart away.

Hello Mother,
Do you remember the look?
The look I gave you,
As I was being took.

Hello Mother,
Do you remember the cry?
The cry I screamed,
For our good-bye.

Hello Mother,
Do you remember my tears?
The tear I cried,
For unknown years.

Hello Mother,
Do you remember me?
i hope you do,
Cause I can finally see.

You sent me away,
Put me in chains.
Gave me a new Mother,
That caused so much pain.

Without Laptop and Urge to Write

Since my laptop died on my yesterday, I feel frustrated and annoyed. Without my computer, which I have all my stories and the information about said stories. I am lost and angry with the computer and with myself. Writing is my life, without it I'm doomed. In my book I am...

My partner took us out for a ride in our wheelchair. We got a writing book, which was rather cheap. I want to see if I can gain some inspiration to write with pen and paper. I haven't written without writing on my computer in such a long time. With the book I got, which I believe will inspire me to either get some ideas for stories or get my current story started and raring to go at top speed.

Wednesday Night

For the past few days, I've done nothing but moan and groan in the direction of my partner. But with me moaning, fussing or raised voices gets me so inspired it's unbelievable. But the things we fuss about is video games or books I want to either buy or get from our local library. We fight every month or so. I know it sounds weird and unusual, but it happens.

Tonight we went out to get some snack-able's for me while my partner is out at GEN-con. My partner is very understandable, and very lovable.I wrote nearly two pages tonight, in a hour of time. I will carry on writing till I get tired or the cats annoy me too much...

The story I'm writing is called Malachi. It's the story of a young boy who faces a lot of problems while being in the foster care system. I'll post the storyline of the story in my next post. All I know with my therapist, my family and friends I get all the courage ad ability to keep pushing forward and getting my story out of my mind and with God's assistance, I would never be able to write in the first place...

Goals and Dreams

It's 1:47pm, I'm tired somewhat, but not tired enough to rest and take a horrid nap. Yes I hate naps, but times I must admit it I need them. Right now I'm getting so much inspiration to write, that what I'm doing. Maybe not writing as in my story, just writing here and surfing the blogger web. At times I try and get inspiration by searching subjects on profiles on blogger. I've found many a good hint and feeling to get me writing on my current story. I have one major story going and a semi major story. Both christian and teen related.

I enjoy writing teen christian stories. I have plenty inside my head, just wanting to burst out and onto paper. But getting the right juices flowing to get what I need to get done is hard, but with the new book my partner got me at half-price book store is awesome. I have read some chapters over and over. It gives me a light into the dark dense tunnel I feel my writing is.

I love writing poetry, shorts stories and now a novel. I've been writing on and off for three years now. Writing is the only way I can express my feelings, emotions and thoughts running through my head. My partner is my main source of inspiration. After that our cats and stuff I get from being outside, in church, and my friends online and at church. Church is a great place of inspiration and friendship and a big source of writing inspiration.

Right now I better get on with the title of this post. I have four goals I wast to set myself...

GOALS

• Writing daily (250+) words
• Reading a chapter a day
• Closing mind to prayer( for inspiration)

DREAMS

• To finish a novel by xmas
• to be happy and not feel back about it
• to enjoy my writing, and feel the muse talking into my soul

Story - In the American Jungle

I should be fast asleep, it was way past ten. I wasn’t sleepy, not one bit. Over, and over were the words of the discussion with my dad a couple hours earlier. He announced he wanted to move the pair of them out of the universe. That’s hoe I saw it. Moving me away from my friends, just so he could be happy. What about my happiness, didn’t that count for the something? I had no intention of letting him do this to me. I had rights. He didn’t deserve the label of dad; he was a father to me now. Only loving parental roles are considered mom or dad.
 
If mom was still alive she wouldn’t allow this to happen. Then it hit me, if mom was alive dad wouldn’t be doing this. I started thinking, about mom and then about dad. He did deserve to be happy; even I wouldn’t stop him from being happy. It’s had been five years since mom had passed. Maybe it was time to let her rest, but could he find someone in London or Essex. That way I could still have my secret love with Jorge.

Decision Time

Over the past three to four days I've toyed with the idea of writing a novel. I have tried many time to start, but never actually finish one. I have prayed for guidance, strength and knowledge to do so. I have the tools to write. I'm not educated or anything like that. But I have the drive, passion and pure enjoyment of writing within me. I sit back and read book, after book, after book. This I do to get the right knowledge of the craft of writing. To be a writer, you need talent, drive and the right inspiration and strength to move forward and actually do what you're setting yourself out to do.

I've toyed with two different story plots to write. One a christian/gay theme, the other a christian/vision story. One is called In the American Jungle, the other Hey God? Are you Listening?... If you think these titles are good, let me know. I plan on writing both stories side-by-side. The thing is I love writing, but sometimes i can be a perfectionist with regards to the beginning and the whole way through the story. If something doesn't look right, I delete the whole story and start again.

If you have tips to improve my writing skill, please email me...

Getting it Right - Storytelling

For the past three weeks, I have been trying hard to get the story I wanted to write out. Every-time I wrote the first few chapters, and I read through them; they never looked like what I envisioned. So attempt after attempt I tried and tried again. Nothing was working and I felt like I was hitting a stone wall. The story I wanted to write was about a lad who was struggling with the death of his mother and getting into trouble with police and more. I have decided if I'm every gonna wrote that story, I need to put it into God's hands.

After getting truly frustrated I sat down and began praying. I hadn't prayed in a few days. But this prayer was different. I ask for guidance and inspiration to write my story. But instead I got the answer, but not to my story. Another story. This time the story is about a young boy, who is struggling with the death of his mother, his dad starting dating after just a few months. Then to anger his father the boy starts hanging around with the gay kid at school. Deciding to come out to his father as gay. This had the opposite effect he desired. Then The boy got into a gang, to anger his father once more, but things changed this time. The boy stole once, and his catholic conscience got the better of him. He decided on bringing the gang back to God. He started to teach them to read, and study the bible. By the end of the story the whole gang was gone. They were now born again christians and get involved into the youth at church.

This is the frist excerpt from my story... still trying to get a title...

The early morning sun was bursting through the blinds, shining right onto Peter’s pillow. He grabbed his blanket, tugging it up and over his head. He wanted more sleep. He wasn’t ready for the day to start yet. Then hearing his alarm clock going off, he knew he had to get up as it was a school day. But he knew if he wasn’t out of bed in like five seconds his brother would be his usual annoyance and pull his blankets off him. Plus tell on him not being out of bed and ready for school. The only thing was Peter was an honor student, editor of the school newspaper and president of the student union. This didn’t help when it came to his father and mealtimes.

He climbed out of bed, walking over to Stephen’s bed and yanking his blankets of him before rushing out the room and into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Once inside, Peter started the water running in the shower. Tossing his dirty pajamas into the hamper and stepping into the shower. While letting the water from the shower trickle down his torso, as it awakened him. The water was warm enough to refresh and awaken his juices from a night of sleep.

Wednesday Morning

This morning I climbed out of bed around 7:45am. Let the cats into our partners bedroom, well I was getting some clean clothes. For the past hour, I've been updating my profile on blogger and searching the blogs for something to inspire me. The last two to three days I've done nothing but play games and get frustrated about not being able to write. I totally hate when I can't write. It gets me so depressed with the lack of wanting to live. I know many people might think I'm weird or strange, but truthful I get bogged down and depressed majorly when I'm not able to write.

This morning, I thought search blogger to see if you read someones blog maybe I'll get inspired and want to write and write. No I don't have writers block. I just not inspired. Writing to me is a way of expressing my feelings, thought and my soul onto paper and I feel good about it. Writing is something I do naturally. It lets me express who I am on the inside, not how I look on the outside...

New Read - A Writer's Guide to Fiction

Yesterday I took a trip to our local bookstore. It was a good thing. I found this book, which spoke to me. Now soince reading it today, I have come to an understanding that to be a good writer and understand the craft of plotting out and building good characters is the most importan thing a writer should do. Without a guide to what your story is about, who you want to touch and read the book is important also.

I've always wanted to be a writer since moving to America, to be with my partner. To be honest, till I came to America to live I always thought I had no skills at all. Not just no writing skills, but nothing to offer anyone. This has changed, I have come to an understanding that Maybe there is something I can offer people, my memories, my thoughts and my journey in life. FIrst my life partner is such an awesome person. I know I've put, no me, but this body has put them through a lot in the five, well nearly five years we've been in America.

I studied for my GED, which I never wanted to do in the first place. But I did pass the math, science and social studies part, but as for the English, nope. I was crap at anything in the field of writing. But now, I don't find writing a chore, I find it entertaining and a blessing. Letting my imagination run riot. Letting my life experiences merge with my imagination, we write stories and we enjoy it.

Daily Schedule

I have been busy over the last couple of weeks. Right now I'm being pushed  to succeed not by man, but by God. Yes my writing is no longer my talent, God is inspiring me to write my heart out now. I can't get enough of God's spirit in my life. There isn't a day that goes by without me writing about something, reading my scriptures and praying. God is certainly working in my life, guiding my talent for writing. God endowed me with a talent, sure why, but it seems that I have a talent for writing stories and poetry. Finding that God has given me a natural talent for writing.
Each day:

• breakfast
• prayer
• scripture reading
• emails, boards(posting)
• writing(story writing, designing a story)
• lunch
• nap-time
• prayer
• writing
• scripture reading
• emails, blogging
• dinner
• family togetherness

The list above is the schedule for my days from Monday to Friday each week. Weekends are more relaxed and I tend to spend time with my partner, our friends and  family. Sunday is church in the morning, then nap-time after lunch and then spending time together or i get some writing done

Poem - Important to Me

Friend, you're important to me because we share laughters.
Sometimes we share regular laughters,
but at times, we laugh over things that no one but us can find the humor in.
That's my favorite kind of laughter
and you are my favorite person to share it with

You're important to me because we share tears.
sometimes they are regular tears,
but at times they are private ones that only we can share and understand.
those are the most important kind,
and I'm thankful that i have you to share them with

You're important to me because we can share any secrets and know that whether or not we agree with it,
it is in safe keeping.
i know that i can tell you things i could never tell anyone else.

You're important to me because we can share hopes and dreams.
and when we share them, we each know that we have someone who supports us, believes in what we want, and who will hope as much as we do that our dreams can come true.

friend, know that You are so important to me,
there is no person in the world who could ever take your place in my life.

There is no one I'd rather laugh or cry with or share my innermost thoughts with, and there is absolutely no one I'd rather have as my very special friend,
......... it is only you!

Writing - Yes or No?

Tonight has been a rather stressful evening so far. I got angry at computer, phone and my partner. My anger started at low and raised into millions in seconds. I grabbed my bible and turned to Sirach and started to read, then my partner joined me and we studied and read from the bible. This was the best thing I'd done with my partner in months. Reading scripture was very enlightening and good for spiritual growth.

The main point of this post, is that what makes you compelled to write. For the first thing is I believe God gave me the talent for writing. I love writing because it lets me talk about what is in my heart to talk about. I don't write to gain financial promise. I write for the enjoyable feeling I get once I finished a project. I believe in writing if it is in your heart to write. If not, than I suggest you just read books , rather than writing...

Lyrics Talking to You

After listening to the song, I listed below this post. It's a song sung by The Tweenies. The Tweenies is a children show back in England on BBC. I miss the show a lot, as it would always cheer me up to no ends. Look on youtube and search for them. If you have young children, this is a friendly show. A bit like Barney the purple dinosaur.

Hope you like the lyrics, as I do and so does my partner.

Tweenies - Best Friends Forever

I was alone before i met my friends
I never thought it could ever end
I see them all hanging out together
And they were like yeah whatever


it took me a while to understand
all i needed was to be myself
and there's no use trying to pretend
if you really want to make some friends


chorus


so we're telling you that we've been there before
and we realize we know the score yeah
its alright we can hang around together
we and me best friends

forever
any time that your feeling down
all you need is your friends around
its alright we can hang around together

dont care if your hairs to long
we dont care if your clothes are wrong
we can be friends forever

its a drag when you got no friends
you can think it will never end
you see them all hanging out together
and they were like yeah whatever

it wont take long for you to see
everybody is just like you and me
we all feel scared at the start
cuz were born with a human heart

so your telling us we've all been there before
pretty soon you'll know you know the score yeah

chorus

its only natural
that you can get it all confused as we go our own way
its just a waste of time
dont worry you'll be fine
it really doesnt matter today

its alright we can hang around together
any time that your feeling down
all you need is your friends around
its alright we can hang around together

dont care if your hairs to long
we dont care if your clothes are wrong
we can be best friends forever

you can be my friend
its alright we can hang around together
we can be best friend forever
you can be my best friend


anytime your feeling down
all you need is your friends around
its alright we can hang around together
you can be my best friend


don't care if your hairs to long
we dont care if your clothes are wrong
we can be best friends forever

Two Little Boys - Rolf Harris

Two little boys had two little toys
Each had a wooden horse
Gaily they played each summer's day
Warriors both of course

One little chap then had a mishap
Broke off his horse's head
Wept for his toy then cried with joy
As his young playmate said


Did you think I would leave you crying
When there's room on my horse for two
Climb up here Jack and don't be crying
I can go just as fast with two

When we grow up we'll both be soldiers
And our horses will not be toys
And I wonder if we'll remember
When we were two little boys


Long years had passed, war came so fast
Bravely they marched away
Cannon roared loud, and in the mad crowd
Wounded and dying lay

Up goes a shout, a horse dashes out
Out from the ranks so blue
Gallops away to where Joe lay
Then came a voice he knew


Did you think I would leave you dying
When there's room on my horse for two
Climb up here Joe, we'll soon be flying
I can go just as fast with two

Did you say Joe I'm all a-tremble
Perhaps it's the battle's noise
But I think it's that I remember
When we were two little boys


Do you think I would leave you dying
There's room on my horse for two
Climb up here Joe, we'll soon by flying
Back to the ranks so blue

Can you feel Joe I'm all a tremble
Perhaps it's the battle's noise
But I think it's that I remember
When we were two little boys

Poem: I Can't

Love cripples the heart.
Emotions fall apart,
As your voice calms me.
This truth you'll never see.

I shake inside in terror,
As my path to you becomes narrow.
Love is meaningless apart;
I'll die seeing you depart.

You know none of this though,
For the feelings I've never showed,
Nor will I ever tell you
Because I've never seen anything true.

So love dies today.
I fade into the shade.
You go back to your home,
Leaving me with these thoughts to roam. 

Poem - I wonder if you Know

I wonder if you know 

that every night before i go to sleep 

I pray 2 times 

One prayer for me 

And the other one for you 

I wonder If u know 

That I ask God To keep you safe 

I ask him,to bless you with happiness 

And keep Sorrow From ur way 

I wonder if you know 

That having you guys is like 

having my own collection of stars 

Always shinning in my way 

For you,I'll fight a thousand wars 

I wonder if you know 

That when ur sad 

I get sad to 

Because ur happiness is my own 

And I hate to see you down 

And I'll continue to wonder 

If I do enough,To let you know 

How much I care 

And I wonder if you know 

That u can always count on me 

I am right next to you 

And i forever will be 

I wonder if you know 

That you People mean this World to me 

And If it wasnt for you, 

I wouldn't not be here 

I wonder if you know 

That I'll risk my life 

to safe ur own 

I wonder if you know 

That ur the best thing that ever happend to me 

Trough this bumpy ride 

Called L.I.F.E 

And I wonder if you know 

That I Wrote this From the heart 

Because today we are all together 

But tomorrow we might fall apart 

I Wonder if you know 

That i had to let you know 

That I mean every single word 

Because I Wonder if you know 

That Tomorrow,One of us could Leave 

Without saying Goodbye 

And I'll never Know When I'll see You all again 

For that means,I will always Leave you,With Loving words 

Story Creation

During this hot evening, I have been working on my first story creation in the last six months. Today has been a stressful day. Now, I feeling relaxed and got a lot done tonight. Not sure about a title, but I have worked for three hours, I've got most of everything down on paper.

I got Theme, Time Span, Setting, Plot, and Characters. Now I have to build complete characters to build either tonight or in the morning after some sleep and relaxation. I have thoroughly enjoyed writing my notes on my story, I'll start writing on Saturday/Sunday. I feel it's time to get back into the water and create another masterpiece. My first story has everything but character building done. I found that if I let God guide me, I can get a lot done.

I pray silently in my heart for God and the Holy Ghost to to lead me in my story creation and getting a complete plan I can work with to get writing a good quality story. Whether you write short stories, poems, articles and novels, planning it all out and letting God lead you,l you get a lot done. I believe God touched me to during Easter and is showing me what I should write. Be Blessed...

Writing Process: Brainstorming

I have been doing a lot of research about the story I want to write. Using some of my life experiences to write to story I want to write. First being transgendered is a issues most live through in this world. There are people who brandish people who are gay, lesbian, and transgendered. We get branded with so many homophobia people with hate crimes and try to kill us and out us in this world.

I'm a devote catholic and love my church, my friends and my family here in America. If you want to find out what a transgendered person is, google it. Please try to understand we are people with feelings, word hurt.

I struggle with so much in my life, but writing is a way to get my feeling and dreams out onto paper and maybe for people to read and understand. I live with the thought that I can never change my body, but in dreams and wishes, I can let my dreams show me what life would be like if I changed my gender and it matched my mind. Life is too short to wish and dream. Be true to yourself. and follow your heart. This is my word.. Peace... and Love are the best things to remember.

Miscellaneous Advice and Collected Words of Wisdom

• Don't worry about selling the story you wrote. Worry about writing a story that will sell itself.
• Just because someone says he knows something doesn't mean he does. The world's full of "writers" and "agents" and "editors" who have no clue what they're doing.
• Yog's Rule: Money flows toward the writer. Any business that wants the writer to put up money should be avoided. A business that takes a cut of money on its way to the writer, such as an agent taking a commission, is acceptable, but the direction of flow should always be toward you, never away.
• It's not an editor's job to be fair to writers. It's an editor's job to make money for his publisher by acquiring and packaging books people want to read. Writing professionally is not a contest or a competition or a sweepstakes; it's a business, and you're on the selling end in a buyer's market. Expect editors to treat you not like a beloved student, but like a salesman who's interrupting them -- you'd better have a product that'll make the interruption worthwhile, and the manners to convince them to look at it.
• "I'm often asked if writing classes are any help, and my immediate and enthusiastic answer is always, Yes! Writing classes are wonderful for the writers who teach them and can't make ends meet without that supplementary income. They are also good places for unattached people to meet, talk about books and movies, have a few drinks and possibly hook up. But teach you to write? No. A writing class will not teach you to write."
                      --Stephen King, "The Writing life," Washington Post Book World, October 1, 2006
• "Like it or not, there is a culture of unpublished writers. It includes its own mythology (sending yourself your own ms by registered mail to somehow secure magical protection from plagiarism and copyright infringement), superstitions (paperclip or not?), hagiography and so on. In that culture it's a fairly widespread belief that there is no real communication between an editor and an unknown writer."
                      -- Fred Welden, SFF-Net, Feb. 1999If you are an unpublished writer, it's easy to be drawn into the culture Fred describes. It's easy to accept its mythology. You'll find dozens of people who believe it all implicitly.
  Don't.
  Some of that mythology is useful information; much of it is pernicious nonsense and superstition that will only get in your way.
  
• There's a whole industry out there advising beginning writers, feeding off the culture mentioned above. Some of it is honest and helpful; some isn't. Let me point you toward a few resources and warn you away from a few others:
• SFWA's Webpage has a lot of good advice, regardless of what genre you're writing in -- the same basics apply.
• There are a couple of bits worth reading at HWA's site, too.
• The small-press magazine Speculations is usually useful
• The SFWA Bulletin can be trusted.
• Writer's Digest, alas, is not trustworthy -- I think they're basically well-intentioned, but much of their income comes from paid ads from people who prey on unsuspecting would-be writers, so they'll sometimes give advice that's designed not so much to help beginners as to keep their advertisers in business.
• If you have the sort of personality that can handle the rough-and-tumble of Usenet newsgroups, rec.arts.sf.composition is aimed at advising beginning writers in the SF/fantasy field, and can be useful. Misc.writing, alas, I cannot recommend; the louder voices have triumphed over the more knowledgeable there.

This post came from a website.Below is a link to said website. I've been writing for 6 yrs on and off. I have finished my first book, which is due to be published in Jan 2011. Remember I have been researching a lot about writing and what I could learn from others. 

Day One - Getting Inspiration

I have decided today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. while being out most of the day with my partner, I started to think about a title for my first non-fiction book. I want to write about my life from being born in Ireland, living in England and some of the different countries in Europe, then moving to America to be free from my biological family.

It's been a lot of tragedy in my life. I have lost so many children in my lifetime so far, I'm frightened to have any with my partner. Well, I should say my husband. Anyhow, while we were running around and I was glued to my wheelchair in a lot of intense, chronic pain. I was considering what I was going to call my memoirs. I mumbled to myself on bus trips and also while hubby wheeled me through down-town so we could get bus home and I could rest on couch or even take a nap.

We waited a short time to get onto a bus, but before we could get onto it, the driver drove right passed. It didn't let me or some others waiting fro that bus to get on. it was infuriating. The longer I was down-town, I was in pain and the pain was getting worse, which made me very moody.

Finally we got onto a bus, and was heading home after not being able to get on three buses going home. I decided to call Indygo.net and complain big time. Once we were inside our home, I sat on couch and had lunch, it was late. We'd been out from 9:30am to 3pm. It was hot, I was bothered. After lunch, I'd calmed down and was ready to get thinking about my title. Hubby put on a DVD to calm himself down. which was alright with me. He put on Transformers Energon(cartoon). I love the cartoon and movie of same name.

Sittin with my feet up and writing on my blog (Our Spiritual Journey) one. Link in bloggers list. Once my post was done, I started to read email and got sent a link to two writing groups so I joined. Not realizing that my post might sound offish to people of Mormon or Jehovah Witnesses, which I hadn't meant to get mad at those faiths. I was sent an email from one the new groups, and was commented on my [post. So I added a warning on the bottom of my post, hoping they would see it was my ranting about what faiths I've tried and gotten rejected from.

Anyhow, getting off topic again aren't I... Sorry. Right back to the topic at hand. I decided after one episode I wanted to watch something religious, so we put in Parables of Jesus, I got from library. It's aimed at young children and teens, but that's why I like these sorts of DVDs and books. I want to be able to reach children and teens and show them the goodness of God and having a belief and making good friends etc.

See getting off the topic again, I do apologise. Well I started to watch the DVD, and prayed in the silence of my heart and was given the title. I was shocked, but thinking about it for a while it sounded good. (Self Damnation to God Salvation) is the title of my real life story, memoir. Maybe in time I will make sure i get it started. The problem is with my health issues, I they bother me a lot. I want to also get a title for a fiction novel I want to write, and I prayed about it. I got (Twisted Soul). I'm not sure if God is joking with me or not.  Maybe he is getting a bit of my sarcasm, who knows. Anyhow I plan to get writing on one of those titles today sometime. Who knows, maybe my C.R.H.P. sisters might get a kick out of this post. They love my writing...

Inspiration - Aspiring Writer

Today is the start of a new life. I have been stressed majorly. Now I feeling a little better, more calmer and relaxed. Now I thought of what I wanna do with this blog. Right now I know i want this blog to be the start for my writing career. I feel God is working wonders in me. He is touching me and guiding my hands for his work.

If you wanna know more about my christian enlightenment on my Spiritual Journey blog; link on sidebar. Spiritual Journey is a blog for me and my partner and how God is working in our lives. Yeah if my so-called friends from England, Ireland and Holland saw me now, they think I'd gone mad and totally wacko. Yeah I am British, but I live in America with my partner and best friends. Yeah in our home is my partner, whom I love dearly. We also have Emily and Pacer, our cats. I will post pics of our cats sometime on this blog or my other one.

I wanna be a writer for middle graders to young adults worldwide. What genre well I'm not sure right now. I love reading gay, transgendered and christian fiction. Yeah being a christian means you should lead your life as though you had Jesus as your best friend. But I believe that if God made you a gay, trans or whatever and a christian too then you should be who you are and never let anyone tell you different.

Remember: God made you in his image. This means if you're gay, lesbian or transgendered. Then God made you that way. He loves you as you are, so don't change. He made you that way. You are who your are and God loves you no matter what.