What is Next ?

While moving forward on my current novel, which I'm almost finished. I have 42,000 words for it right now and on Chapter Seventeen. I believe this is the first story/novel I've started and going to finish in my entire writing career. Healing the Wounds is becoming a enjoyable read and very enjoyable to write. I want to move on and thinking about the many different novel idea's I have inside my head, I want to get outside and written. I'm thinking of writing a gay christian novel that I think I have inside my mind and in my heart to write. but the thing is should I write them now or further along the line.

Writing lets me get my emotions and feeling out onto paper. I had a horrible life growing up. The abuse from my family and the abandonment issues I face and in my mind constantly. I want to rid myself of these emotions, the negative emotions I have in my head. If I write I feel they are slowly leaving my mind. I'm thankful for God and my family I have around me right now. If it wasn't for them, and their encouragement I doubt I'd be around right now. I'm thankful for the many different blessing I have in my life. I have my laptop, my friends from church, and other friends. Plus my family I have around me right now. I'm writing this to remember to be thankful for all that God has given me including my faith in HIM.

Poem - This is My Heart

This is my heart,
it cracks, it breaks
then I start to shake.
How much more can it take,
then for my sake...

These are my eyes,
they burn, they cry
then i start to despise.
When will I realize,
that I slowly die...

These are my ears,
the listen, they hear
and absorb my fears.
When will it be clear,
that the end is near...

But none of this will ever really matter,
with every breath growing more worthless.
And then when my heart shatters,
what will be my purpose?

This is my face,
it's pitiful, it's traced
and the meaning's displaced.
I am this hopeless case,
showing nothing but disgrace.

Poem - Give me Peace

Speak not of things that numb my senses,
Those bring an endless pain,
Say not stories that break the heart
Lest sadness hit me again.

All I want is to forget the pain
And all that happened in the past;
Yet my memories haunt me still
Will this all forever last?

Why has the smile faded from lips?
Why is my laughter gone?
I've no hope nor will,
Nor the courage to carry on.

Say to me the words that soothe,
The stories that thrill and melodies that please,
Let there be none of all those pains
And let my heart live in peace.

Poem - Should I stay or Should I go?

I woke up again this morning,
With a pain beating my chest.
I thought I was leaving then,
But I also knew the very best.

I didn't have those symptoms,
Of such another broken heart.
You didnt see my crystal tears,
As, I'm no longer falling apart.

I protected all these slim scars,
From a sight of one another.
I lived with such a pretty smile,
When confronted by my mother.

Nobody noticed the difference,
They thought I was fighting on.
I agree that I was still smiling,
Even when my heart was gone.

I got up each morning though,
And did my very best to survive.
Some people asked questions,
But all they saw was, I was alive.

Now the thoughts circle me,
Should I stay, or should I go?
I've made up my mind today,
And the answers I will show.

Poem - Mother, I Love You

You gave me all I could need.
You raised me beautifully.
You talk to me when I'm down.
Best of all you turn my frown upside-down.

You listen to my problems.
You try your best to help.
Sometimes I wonder why,
I deserve such a great help.

I know it hasn't been easy,
and I haven't always made you proud.
But all I ask is don't give up..
Because, well...I love you..and your my mom..

Poem - Mom

Mom,
You hurt me with the words you said.
I cried,
and I can't forget.
All I want to do is forget...
But I can't.

I don't care.
I don't care anymore!
You are but a mere memory.
A bitter useless memory,
that is no good to me.

Dad was right for leaving.
I should have done it to,
now I will.
I understand what he went through,
now anyways.
I thought he was mean to you,
But I was off.
Way off.

Mom,
you hurt me with the words you said.
I couldn't forget,
But now it's my time.
My time to forget everything about you.
Goodbye forever mom.
Goodbye, and good riddance!

Poem - Just wanna say I Love You

I just wanna say I love you
and feel it coming out from my heart
I just wanna say I love you
and hear the soft beats of your heart
I just wanna say I love you
and get my life to start...

I just wanna see you beside me
everynight...
and feel your soft touch
everynight...
I just wanna show you
how much my love's true and right...

I just wanna confess to you
and hear that you love me too
you are my "everynight" dream
my osession has become extreme
I just wanna say I love you
and make that all come true..

Update: Writing a Masterpiece

Yesterday was a hard day with everything busy and going here, going there and getting some writing done. I got about 2,000 words written on my story and I do believe I can finish this by end of the month. I'm enjoying writing this story, plus when I get writers block, or get stuck, my partner gives me a boost and I'm going again. I believe this will be my first completed novel. I've been writing on and off for about six to seven years now. Usually I start and get half way through and then give up. This time I working through the days I don't get no inspiration and work through the hard times.

My word count is 34,000+ today. I'm hoping to get another 1,00 to 2,000 done again today...

Poem - If I Died Tomorrow

Lately I'm OK with dying,
And perhaps I'm a little depressed,
I know things will get better and I'm down in a slump,
But If I were to die today,
I'd be content with that.

Nothing has configured in my life so far,
I'm not successful as the rest,
My self sufficient insecurities,
Allow me to be OK with death.

Living has been a struggle,
I'm still fighting through,
And my will to live is strong,
But If I died tomorrow it would be totally cool.

My indifference to it all
Scares the hell out of me.
I'd like to live a long strong life,
But If I died tomorrow it'd be no big deal.

So what's my risk of drying?
As I swallow one more happy pill,
I'm living on the edge where I don't want to die
But if I did it wouldn't matter to me still.

Life is something I'm tired of,
but I don't actively seek out suicide,
But if I've done enough to take it all too far,
Then I wouldn't mind if I died.

And not the least bit sorry about who I'd leave behind.

I'm living on the edge,
All that matters is me,
I'm as selfish as they come;
And if I died tomorrow,
It wouldn't even faze me.

Poem - That Boy

Day After Day
He Walks Around
Head Bowed Low
Parallel To The Ground
With Dark Brown Hair
And Soft Blue Eyes
Same Clothes As Yesterday
His Face Flushed From Cries
At Lunch he Sits Slouched
Over An Empty Tray
Alone At The End Of A Table
The Same Table Everyday
Nobody Notices Him
Or The Pink Scars That Decorate His Wrists
It's Sad To Think That If He Left One Day
He Probably Wouldn't Be Missed...

Poem - My Last Breath

My voice is shaken
You can hear the death
Was i mistaken
Or is this my last breath....

Evening Update: Writing a Masterpiece

It's now 10pm, and I have lunch and dinner. We went out for dinner, had a big Italy from Pizza Hut. Love that pizza. I started my word count was 26,768 now I have 29,210. I believe this is progress and I have enjoyed writing today. Writing this story is helping me in so many ways. It is getting some of my feeling out from my own life. Plus I believe this book will be a seller one day. This is just the draft and will need editing and re-writing. But first the draft...

Poem - The World Transforms

He is so handsome
now he looks for a flaw
instead of engaging
he willingly withdraws
there goes the world
up go the four walls
not convinced,he's raging
about the unfairness of it all

Cannot converse
though his eyes see perfection
these thought patterns quite perverse
on another self reflection
falling from bad to worse
the world transforms into verse
could be a blessing
though it seems like a curse
a little window dressing
or a strange need for confessing

Overreaction leads to action
though it may not have
a desired end result
maybe just sleeping
a sad attempt at dreaming
figuring out who is at fault
while the world keeps right on scheming
faith is fleeting
the world needs to crash to a halt

We are all a little bit older
not quite ready
for a nose dive into that grave
Life is for living
experiences meant to savor and save
so take these random words
any way you want
any interpretation
born from frustration
just dive into that familiar haunt

Poem - Lost and Gone

A feeling fleeting away
once cascaded from the stars,
embodying all I could want
now restrained from view.

Moments so cherished,
whispering away feelings.
Locking my heart into submission,
denying me even hope.

Dreams spent in heaven
burn to ashes in agony
from even your appearance,
lingering on my fallen path.

Radiance bright as the sun
with joy seeping into me,
overfilling my cup
transfixed on your beauty.

Pausing troubling thoughts,
caring for me night and day,
ending troubling thoughts
encompassing me in heaven.

Lost and all gone now
washed away with the tides,
taking away my world and peace
leaving only my broken heart.

Thursday Morning - Project Writing Masterpiece

I got up this morning around 7:15am. it's now 10am and I've written nearly wrote a thousand words. I believe my story is going to be finished by end of year. I might not finish by November, but I have every intent to finish the book. I believe this will be the first novel I've started that I have every intent to finish. Plus I have the sequel ready to be written. I believe this trilogy is going to be awesome.

Scott Nash Series
Book 1: Healing the Wounds
Book 2: One Last Chance
Book 3: Mending a Broken Heart

Nanowrito - Nine Days

Right now I believe as it's the ninth day into National Writers Month (nanowrito). I have start this year and hoping to complete it and maybe getting my first novel finished and published if I can. The story I'm writing is Healing the Wounds, you can check o what the story is about on the Blurbs link on the sidebar. I believe this year I will complete a novel and getting it out there for people to read is my next chore of the year. Things are going to get better and I know it.

My partner is hoping to get a full-time job and I'm hoping to finish a novel and that are our goals for 2010. If you love writing, whatever you write, do it. Live the dream. My dream is coming up. I want to be an American. But I'm not. I'm British and I live in Indianapolis, Indiana. I love it here. We have two cats, which are cool and naughty at times of the day. Emily is mine, Pacer is my partners. But we love both of them...

Poem - Thrown Away

I cannot stand being in this place

Where to people I'm just a face

That there is no life at all in me

I am the soul that no one can see

I just drag around and pushed down

I cant stand my ground or make sounds

No one can hear me or wants to

I am the person that people only screw

If you see me well thats quite not true

I am someone that you can see through

I have no right to thoughts and no right to speak

All of my pain continues on me as streaks

My scars show who I am today

I am the person who gets thrown away

Everything I sacrifice and everything I give

But no one around me cares me to live.

Poem - Me!

People don't know what I'm going through,
They don't know what it is like to be me.
They don't see how much I'm in pain,
Their eyes are blinded, they cannot see.

These scars i have are permanent,
These cuts wont fade.
This hole in my heart is so deep,
I wish they wouldn't stay.

No one understands,
Why i act like i do.
Its who i am,
Its me being true.

Poem - Just tell me why?

You say it'll all be okay but how?
You say this pain will fade but when?
You will always remember what happen & how & when
But i wish i would forget
Because if i forget
I wont cry every night
Wanna hurt myself for something i didn't stop
All i do at night is think of what went wrong
I feel like I'm a burden to my family
And the few people who i trusted with my life
Vanished in a split sec.
If gods not trying to punish me
When why does he want me to suffer?
I didn't think i was a bad person
But i guess i was wrong
Just tell me why?

Poem - Sleeping Away Pain

Northing's perfect in this world,
so why should I wait for things to go back to normal?
Somethings always going to go wrong.
When there's not a thing you can do about it.

I'm going to be strong,
because this is all life.
I'm not making the stress go away,
not with a knife.
I'm done cutting,
it doesn't help lately.
The pains to much to handle.
But I'm going to sleep it away.

I'm greatly hurt and no one cares.
So I don't understand why I should be alive.
I am though, so I'm just going to start living life.