Poem - Guardian Angel

All you wanted for me was rest and contentment
and though lately I've been tossing, sweating,
wrestling demons between stale sheets,
I'll try to find consolation.
Like in how we revere the same Roman Catholic
church our families raised us in,
dirt roads, the same stained glass windows,
the same Stations of the Cross, the same
sanctuary, the same shadows of jubilant angels
dressed in pale yellow with golden hair,
hands folded toward the Prince of Peace.

I find myself chanting your name
in obscure places, under staircases,
under muddy skylines, under
the oppression of my thoughts
and though I feel shaken with separation,
I will stop doubting that you are here.

That you are like my guardian angel.

Poem - I Remember You

I miss you

As the days and years pass

I miss you

As the pain of grief softens

I miss you

As new memories are made

I miss you

As I smile and laugh

I miss you

Today and everyday

I miss you

Always and forever in my heart

In Loving Memory

When I look to the heavens above,
Somehow I feel you near.
I think of how much I love you,
And to me still so dear.

You were an angel sent to earth
To fill our hearts with love
A Forever Kind of Angel
Sent from heaven above.

We didn't know you'd leave so soon
That God for you would send.
An angel would hold you in His arms,
And heaven with you ascend.

Uncomplaining and courageous,

You smiled through all the tears.
So much faith and understanding,
Proclaimed throughout the years.

I'm thankful for the time we had

For time we'll have again.
Together we will be once more
But only God knows when.

Until I see you once again,

I'll hold you in my heart
The sweet memories of my angel,
From me will never part.

Poem - PTSD

I can still smell him.
The musky sweat, the cologne, the popcorn on his breath.

I still feel him.

His sharp, evil fingernails everywhere they shouldn't be.
His thick, calloused hands everywhere they shouldn't be.
I remember the pain.
His watch scraping against the scabbed-over, self-harm, razor slits on my hipbones
as everything I protected was abused and thieved.
His fingernails.
My throat.
My sense of security.

I can't get out.
My skin is wound airtight around my bones.
I want to slice it with a blade
long, deep lines
and step out
and run
sprint,
never stop.

I'm not pretty anymore.
I feel bad for the man, if I ever marry.
Too many times I've cut my skin.
Raised, purple, flat, brown
scars covering my stomach, arms, thighs.
Word scars.
Fat, ugly, dead.

It was seven months ago.
And I feel everything
and see everything
hear it all -

as if it were in the last 5 minutes.

And I don't want to live anymore.

Update - Life

There has been a lot going on during the last month or so. My brother died of cancer. I haven't been writing,  other than poetry. Sort of lost the nerve and feeling to write. Right this minute I'm at my friend's house Johnna. I love coming over here. Johnna is a writer too, and she gives me confidence in my own talents and skills. She is alike my partner.

I haven't really written since last September (2011). This was Wednesday 1:35pm. I have/am plotting and building a story template for the story I want to begin writing again. I have decided to write my first edgy/ emotional story. I plan on writing on it daily. I want to make it my number one project.

Goals

• Start and work on my current story (Valley of Echoes)
• Keep to my diet
• Work on plotting my Nano Novel
• Write 750 words on my current project a day

I found keeping goals and working on them is good. I will still spend time with my partner and friends. I will still go to church on Sunday's. I missed last week. I like going to church, having communion. Having communion and praying, seeing my friends I only see at church.

My faith is my main thing that keeps me alive along with the support of friends and my family here in America. This day is a start of a new day. I will write daily. I will try write 750 minimum a day, word count. 

Poem - Promised

A tear dropped.
I tumbled to my knees.
My face skyward.
Looking at the stars above me.
I thought clearly.
"How could you do this? How could you take her from me?"
My heart ached.
I gasped for breath.
The words rang in my ear, repeating over and over again.
"She's gone.....her fight..wasn't strong enough."
Questions on the tip of my tonge.
Why her? Why now? What did I do to deserve such pain?

Memories of us together flashed by my eyes.
One straight after another.
Tears were bleeding down my face.
I remembered times when she held my hand told me everything would be alright. We could fight this world together. We could be scared together. We would be together forever.

I could see the sky darken.
Clouds tumbling in.
It didn't sprinkle it poured.
It poured just like my tears poured down my face.
I looked down.
Below my foot was a sharp jagged rock.
I picked it up.
I touched it to my skin. Amemory so vivid. Past by my eyes.


She was leaning in close. She held my hand close to hers face and whispered "Promise me that no matter what happens. No matter what the future holds for us. You will never harm yourself. You wont ever take such a risk with your life again."
I remembered the tender beautiful kindness in her eyes.
The love.
I bowed my head close to her ear and whispered "I promise. No matter what happens."

The memory gone. 
I looked toward the sky again.
Soaked from the rain.
I whispered "I promise"
Another hot tear skidded down my face.
The rock dropped and forgotten about.
I wept.
Knowing I could never brake such a promise.
Knowing I had to fight......Alone. 

Poem - I love you

You don't know
You can't see
What really goes on
Inside of me
My eyes shield
How I feel inside
You don't know
How much I've cried
My mouth restricts
What I'd really say
And make you think
I'm perfectly okay
I know you tried
You mean well
But I have things
I'd never tell
To truly laugh
To really smile
Is something I haven't
Done in a while
You'll never know
How I really feel
I don't know how long
It will take to heal.
Just know that
I still love you
After everything
That I've been through.
You'll never see
Inside my mind
I'm protecting you
From what you'd find.
I protect you because
I love you so much.
This is my pain
You'll never know

Poem - Till Death Us Do Part

I'll never deceive you,cheat or lie.
It,s just not in me to be such a guy.
The promise i make is to take care of you.
To give you all things in my power to.
A life full of happiness love and more love.
It will appear it,s like from heaven above.
I want to make this a heaven on earth.
And give you everything i am worth.
You are the object of my desire.
And of you i will never tire.
Everyday until your last breath.
I will carry on loving you till my own death. 

Poem - Ghosts of the Past

Labelled mentally unstable,
I'm just a normal woman
lost in the past mistakes.

Counselling in a room scares me,
my poetry holds the truth of my emotions,
writing is the only way I speak.

Your just testing my reactions,
It's you making me loose my sanity,
I'm far from crazy can't you see.

Wishing I was dead doesn't mean I'm suicidal,
that's what led me down this path,
labelled mentally unstable and clinically depressed.

Just a woman struggling with the ghosts of the past.

Self Discovery

Today has been rather stressful. Yesterday was even more stressful. I'm glad my stress levels are going down slightly each day. I'm starting to figure out I have to write my life journey. Right now I'm researching about using memories from my real life to implant them into a fictional story. I think that's what God is asking me. But I'm not sure what memories to use. I have many. Being 41 yrs old, is full of mistakes, and bad choices until I was thirty.

I believe God is talking to me through research and writing. He is guiding my mind, my hands and showing me what i have to write. Right now I'm researching about writing stories using memories from my childhood. The first memory I remember is when I was three and my mom hit me for the first time. Plus when I was four my father walked out leaving me behind... Watch out to discover what stories I'll write..