Poem - Who am I?

Who am l
I'm lost within the darkness...
Aimlessly wondering alone
I see a candle burning into the distant 
But direction is non-existence

Where is the path to walk on?
I cannot see...
The world is so blinding
Can someone turn on the light for me?

Hold my hand please
Don't let go!
I can't make it on my own

My heart is broken
My mind is a mess
I bleed to feel
How else will I heal?
Scars surround me
Is this even real?

Who am I...
I'll let you decide.

Poem - I'd Have to Deal

All I want to do is breathe

Yet all I ever feel is that I'm suffocating 

Sometimes it's unnoticeable 

Sometimes I'm fighting to breathe 

Feels like my chest is breaking

I cry all the time with no reason

I think of ending it all 

All the possible ways of doing so 

I'm suffocating I'm trapped 

I'm trapped in my body 

Yet I feel I'm not living 

I feel like I need an escape 

Feeling lost and scared all the time

Breathing can be so unbearable 

But then holding my breath

Tryin not to breathe

Feeling fate then letting go

I hold my head underwater sometimes

Letting go 

But something always pulls me up

The feeling of nearly dying

I feel that all the time even when I'm not even stressing 

My anxiety is fine 

Yet I'm still fighting to breathe 

Holding my chest like it's about to burst

Just burst I yell yet nothing happens 

I start breathing again

Then I have this feeling 

Dread fear lost confused 

I don't understand why I feel this way

Parts of me wants to belong

But then other parts wants me gone!

No one understands 

No one knows I feel like this

I can't say it out loud to them

They will change I know it

I'd be bubble wrapped 

Though I already feel that way

Controlled by everyone around me

Being told what to do

That alone, is suffocating 

That alone, makes me not belong

They say speak tell people how you feel

Words I'm not good with words

I stutter I fall over

If I say how I feel out loud 

Then what wud happen

Would I fall to the ground

Would I finally break down

It's easier typing writing down

But no one I care about will read this

I'll hide it away

They can't see me

Deep down how I feel

No to scary 

Cause then I'd have to deal

Poem - I Miss You

For every tiny footstep,
That you never got to take,
For all the tiny noises,
You never got to make,
For every second passed,
You couldn’t Keep me awake,
I love you
For every single time,
You won’t sit on my knee,
For every drawing done at school,
That I will never see,
For every loving cuddle,
That you won’t Have with me,
I love you
For every detailed question,
I will never hear you ask,
For never getting old enough,
To create your own past,
For all the times that I can never,
Hold you in my arms,
I love you
For every thought of sadness,
That led to every tear,
For every waking moment,
Of wishing you were here,
For every second, every day,
Of every coming year,
I miss you

Poem - No More Hiding

She's trying hard to understand, just what's going on,
She doesn't know why, but everything is going wrong.
She's turning away, from the people that care,
She can not explain it, she just doesn't want to be here.

She finds it hard to trust, she can't seem to forget the past,
Maybe those scars, will be the ones that always last.
She doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to explain,
She doesn't understand, why she's causing so much pain.

Thoughts go through her mind, she doesn't want to exist,
She leaves her sleeves down, to hide what's on her wrist.
She wears her fake smile, but sometimes it falls,
When people start to realise, she hides behind her wall.

She doesn't want people to care, she just wants to hide,
She wants to be happy, and forget that she lied.
But nothing seems to happen, to make her want to be alive,
And there's nobody out there, to help her survive.

She feels isolated, even in a crowded room,
She can not explain it, but she feels all this gloom.
Depression is a question, she's too afriad to admit,
Maybe if she got help, there could be a way out of it.

But, she has a barrier, she doesn't seem to know,
She tries to hide her pain, but some how it seems to show.
She wants things to end, but time is going so slow.
She still doesn't know why, she's feeling so low.

She has so many insecurities, but never does she confide,
Nobody knows how she really feels, she always seems to hide.
She doesn't know why, but she doesn't think people should care,
But how can she tell them, she doesn't want to be here.

She has a way, of erasing her pain,
Each night she cuts, again and again.
People try to stop her but it's taking control,
She can't seem to stop, and some friends don't want to know.

The girl, she tried, her very best,
And finally it seems she was put to rest,
Now at least, she won't have to hide,
Because of the night, she committed suicide.

Poem - Forever Broken

Every single statement they make
echoes through my heart,
reminding me of just how little
I will always be worth.

My feelings are always on the run,
trying to find the safest place to hide
on this train track of my life.

Secrets from the dark
come trespassing through,
always weighing on me
as I am barely hanging on.

Every single statement they make
echoes through my heart,
reminding me that I am forever broken -
never to be healed.

Poem - You Are to Blame

You are the cause
You are my pain
You are the reason
I'm going insane

I hate you dearly
My soul will ache
As long as I know
That you're awake

You've made me weak
You forced me to lie
You are the reason
Why I still cry

You've ruined my life
It's all your fault
I cannot escape
Your deadly assault

I'm haunted by you
And your twisted soul
Your hate stricken mind
holds a selfish control

I wish for your death
To be painful and slow
I wish for the day
You go down below

I want you to suffer
For all that you've done
My sadness was born
The day you begun

Everything you know
Everything you touch
has been destroyed
By your evil clutch

I place this on you
This is your blame
There's no one else
This is your shame

You deserve the worst
May you never be free
At least I'm not selfish
Because you are me....

Poem - Is This Life Worth Living

Is this life worth living 

if your living it alone 

to try to walk with your head high 

to make people think your strong 

your crying on the inside 

while trying to smile on the out 

your mind it planing ways of ending it 

but your heart won't pull it off 

you try to think of the ones you would hurt 

if you where to go

but your head tells you they will grieve 

but then they could move on 

is this life really worth living 

if your living it all alone

Poem - Am I Ugly

I am ugly

This is me

I feel hopeless.

My ugly looks I hate

Even though I pretend to love my looks.

Nothing is beautiful about me

This feeling makes me be miserable

As I hate my ugly looks, which make me appear as a reject.

Poem - My True Mom

Can you see me?
Do you hear me laugh?
Do you know I love to write?

I read your poem the other day,
Guess what?
For the first time in 3 years I didn't cry.

I'm trying to keep smiling,
I'm trying to keep writing,
Are you proud of me?

I've finished four stories,
I have dreams of you


I miss you my true Mom.
I hope I've made you proud.

It's been 3 years Mom.

Poem - Already Dead

Lonely and hurt, 

Broken I remain

Residing in hell,

living in pain

Masked by lies, 

I slowly fade away;

The nightmare I live with, 

each and every day

The meaning of it all, 

to which my mind attends

Has not one answer

that I fully comprehend

The bottom of my mind 

holds the answers which I call;

I keep reaching towards it 

in this never-ending fall

"Stay strong and keep going, 

it's never too late"...

No one seems to realize 

that it's not worth the wait

There's no such thing 

as help outside of your mind,

It's you against yourself, 

with your demons intertwined

It's a battle, hard fought,

but never to be won...

Either way you end up losing 

when it's all said and done

"Too late" came and passed

and, of me, nothing more

I wrote my own ending, 

and I shut my own door

"Live your life to its fullest"

that's what they all said,

But what's the point in trying 

when you're already dead?

In Loving Memory

When I look to the heavens above,
Somehow I feel you near.
I think of how much I love you,
And to me still so dear.

You were an angel sent to earth
To fill our hearts with love
A Forever Kind of Angel
Sent from heaven above.

We didn't know you'd leave so soon
That God for you would send.
An angel would hold you in His arms,
And heaven with you ascend.

Uncomplaining and courageous,

You smiled through all the tears.
So much faith and understanding,
Proclaimed throughout the years.

I'm thankful for the time we had

For time we'll have again.
Together we will be once more
But only God knows when.

Until I see you once again,

I'll hold you in my heart
The sweet memories of my angel,
From me will never part.

Poem - SAcars

Every scar on my body has a story of pain, hurt and emotion,
Knowing that the only thing that will get me through everyday,
Is picking up that razor blade and slicing all the pain away,

not just once, but numerous times,Deeper and deeper every time just to make sure I'm still alive, escaping to a place for hours sometimes days

My body starts to turn numb I can't no longer feel, all the pain i hold inside seems to be going away,I feel as though I no longer belong here I don't even know Who I have become I don't know who I am anymore, I just want to feel a little normal

Poem - Forever

How do you love when you have been so hurt?
When your feelings are thrown out, into the dirt.

How do you regain the power to remain as you once did.
When you wish to erase the past, so you can seal the lid.

What makes a man go silent in the darkness of his mind.
Who can save that soul, no clues, lost, not easy to find.

Take that empty space that you created for yourself inside your soul.
Ask yourself a thousand questions always ending with,
"what will make me whole".

Is alcohol the answer to life when things start to go bad.
Do you take drugs to escape, reminiscing of things you had.

So there you were standing in front of a soul so lost.
You put your heart on the line, for love what a cost.

You sacrificed the things just to feel something for someone new.
But this bond between us so strong, it only grew.

I wrap my arms around the wound on your soulful skin.
You wrap me in, you can feel my emotions wearing thin.

My tears were waterfalls for a love I didn't want to lose.
We fought harsh, on opposing teams, creating a stem of blues.

Ah but these emotions, they fight for you until this day still.
The fight never stops, with my love it is you I want to fill.

My emotions are lost somewhere, out there in space.
With time they will come down, back into their place.

This part of me still caring, still wanting you more than ever.
Its killing me inside, because I want you for me, forever.

Poem - Lonely

Its 2 a.m in the morning.
I still awake remembering you and me.
Memories still flowing.
And I'm here still overthinking.

I am lonely without you here.
Its feel whole world is upside down.
I regret what i did before.
And now i just simply lonely.

Poem - Tired of Trying

Show him death
Show him pain
Show him what it's like
When blood rains

Show him hurt
Show him the life I've lead
Show him the scars
And the blood I've bled

Show him the knife
I dragged across my skin
Show him it gets worse
That his pain has yet to begin

Show him how it feels
How it feels to die
To feel worthless
Like you can no longer try

Tell him how it all goes down
Tell him how it ends
Tell him how easily
Flesh and bones bend

Tell him how it feels
To have your heart ripped out
Tell him that this
Is what life is about

Make him see the blood
Flowing across the floor
Make him feel what it's like
To not want to try anymore

Make him see this girl
Who's broken and dying
Please God make him see
I'm so tired of trying

Poem - Does Anyone Care

I'm here
your there
I'm just wondering
does anyone care

things happen
love, dispair
just thinking to myself
does anyone care

I loved once
I used to be there
so i wonder
does anybody care

I lose myself
nothing else
makes me wonder
does any one care

I've let my self out
I have my doubt
just wondering
does anyone care

Poem - As You Always Said

You think it's so easy for the impulse
to ignore you, for them to let you win,
to fight the feeling of being yellow
yet again. Only they tell you to let
them win this one so you can have
the next, they say you need to take it
easy and just imagine what it's like
to stop time, stand still and have
the world at your feet.

They test you at the hands of fate,
and make it sound so simple to give
your power away, but Baby, don't
give in to their tragic little lullaby,
you're so beautiful, our precious angel
from more than just the sky.

I try to write about you, but
it's so hard, when you toss
my words in the trash and
say that it's all a lie.

Somebody does care
about you, they want you
to have the very best.
There's at least one person
out there willing to give
you their all and someday
you'll see that, or I'll die
in vain. Because Sweetheart,

you deserve
so much better
than this.

Getting back into Gear - Writing and Blogging

It's been a hard time the last few months. I've been working on one project. I wanted to finish it, but it's been hard getting it done. I used my life experiences of moving from England to America. The story I've spent most of my last few months writing and getting the story flowing. 'The Lonely American Road' is about a girl with two younger brothers and her single dad moving to Indiana to be with his online girlfriend with two young girls. Chloe is the main character and is the oldest of all five kids together. She struggles with many things. In the end she finds she can deal with having more siblings, but the step-mom thing is hard on her. She thinks her dad is trying to replace her mom who died of cancer.

After running off to her mother's parents in Boston, MA. She finds she has been missed by her grandparents and has gained two cousins. Harriet and Michelle. They too are younger than her. She finds things hard to deal with. Her grandparents take her back to Indiana. They fly there. Soon the whole family is together as Chloe's dad marries Kim, her step-mom. Chloe finds she can cope now the family is re-united.

I used so much of my real life of gaining a step-dad when I was just a mere babe. The only difference is my step-dad was abusive. Chloe's step-mom isn't. Chloe's dad tells her she is special, reminding him of her mom every single day. It's the first happy ending story I've written. Well still writing. I'm finding it hard to finish it though.

I didn't have a happy childhood at all. I began healing when I met my partner and his parents and siblings. They welcomed me with open arms. My partner's mom called me her daughter. She said I came to her in replacement of her lost daughter she miscarried. It showed me there were people in this world willing to love you even if your not their own child. My partner's mom loved me like I was her own child. It took me some time to accept. I did. I had six wonderful years with her as my adoptive mom. Even though I was full grown and an adult.

Barbie gave me a loving mother figure to show me the way. She taught me what it means to love unconditional. Just like God and Jesus does teach us all in his word the Holy Bible. I became a Catholic due to her showing me that not all Catholics are bad. Plus, I now have a happy life with my partner and their family. Barbie died almost two years ago of Cancer. I miss her every minute of every hour of every day. She was my mom to me. I couldn't have had a better teacher to show me how to receive and give love. She and my partner was what I needed when I got here.

Now I miss her so much. I'm glad I have my partner as they remind me of her. Plus, I have their brothers and their dad to help me cope...

Poem - Do dreams come true?

The sun is shining,
Over a distant moon.
And we're flying,
Hanging to a balloon.

Magical pixies sprinkle,
Our heads with their dust.
"Let go." You smile and say.
I do, your words I trust.

We fall for a moment,
But then shot back up.
As we decide to catch a ride,
In a flying teacup.

We soar and soar!
Over rivers, mermaid lagoons.
You holding my hand,
The higher we flew.

Clouds of cotton candy,
Birds sing flying by.
Pulling me to your arms,
Humming me a lullaby. 

Nothing is sweeter,
Then your voice in my ear.
It's the only one I listen for,
Only one I hear

Such an handsome prince,
He saved me from the tower.
Nothing could stop him,
Not even the dragons power.

Our teacup landed,
In front of his castle door.
He held me close,
Tighter than before.

He looked into my eyes,
Tucked hair behind my crown.
"Your too beautiful."
"Where's your wedding gown?"

We leaned in for a kiss,
I closed my eyes shut.
Alarm clock ringing,
My eyes opened up.

As I thought,
Wasn't real should've knew.
Was Cinderella right?
Do dreams every come true?

Progress Report: NaNoWriMo

It's now half way into the writing month. NaNoWriMo is a writing month. It's where you write a novel in 30 days. November is writing month. I'm up to 10,000+. My story is a teen, edgy story. I use my abusive childhood as my story themes. The title of my NaNo story is called 'Valley of Echoes.'  I'm on Chapter Five.

I'm about to try write some more. I need to stop procrastinating and write. I find writing brings me to life. I can show the world there are people like me out there. I'm catholic, a survivor of many forms of abuse by not only my parents, but my brothers, grandparents and my Uncle David. Imagine your sexually, emotionally, physically and verbally.

Write what you want to read. Write what you feel you have a story to write. To let children and teens know that God and Jesus is there, they just need to pray and ask God into there lives. They have to have a contrite spirit and a humble heart.