Poem - If Not For You

If not for you, I wouldn't know
What true love really meant.
I'd never feel this inner peace;
I couldn't be content.

If not for you, I'd never have
The pleasures of romance.
I'd miss the bliss, the craziness,
Of loves sweet, silly dance.

I have to feel your tender touch;
I have to hear your voice;
No other one could take your place;
You're it; I have no choice.

If not for you, I'd be adrift;
I don't know what I'd do;
I'd be searching for my other half,
Incomplete, if not for you.

Poem - I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for being so nice,
I'm sorry for being so broken.
I'm sorry for not trusting you and holding on to you.
I'm sorry for pushing you away,
when you held me in your arms.
I know I'm worthless, and you shouldn't be loving me
I feel rueful, and every time we argue
it turns into a gloomy day.
I'm sorry for leaving you for that dirty boy,
I felt bad it was my nice side.
You're not a decoy,
leading me into danger.
You're not going to break my heart.
I'm sorry for directing you into being broken,
and leading you into a trap.
When I had you I dropped it.
I didn't mean to, it just happened.
But now I love you, so what else can I say?
Other than I'll never leave you again.
It's Always & Forever Baby.

Progress Report : Healing the Wounds

Since yesterday I've written about five thousand words. My writing plan is working wonders within me. First I pray, then I read God's Word and then I feel focused and I get to my computer and I can begin writing. I believe God has given me the tools to bring the young into his fold. He gave me the gift of words and writing. I believe through my writing, either in poems or stories either long or short. My words bring the young into his church and showing them that he loves them, he is calling them to believe and into his unconditional love he gives us all if we only pray and read his word daily. He is here for us all. Just believe and trust in his word.

Starting Point: 14,090
Starting Time: noon
Ending Point:  16,244
Ending Time: 7pm

Progress Report - Scott Nash Story to Healing the Wounds

At 11am this morning, I had therapy. it went well. After that I saw Pat, most probably for the last time. It was an update and boy was it long. Then we walked over to see if I could get a new doctor. I have an appointment to see a new doctor Thursday afternoon next week. I got home and had lunch. I had two banana sandwiches and then I tried relaxing.

After checking emails and reading a little. I got inspired and I wrote 2,000 words since 1:35pm. It's now 4:15pm. I consider I did well on my writing progress. Plus I'm getting the feeling this story is a goldmine. So in time I hope to finish the story, plus find another title. I don't really like the title I've given it. Just talked to my muse, partner. They told me a good title for the three books on Scott Nash trilogy.

The titles are:
Book 1: Healing the Wounds
Book 2: One Last Chance
Book 3: Mending a Broken Heart

Inspiration and Research

This morning I didn't at once feel inspired to write nothing. Every morning since Sunday I haven't been inspired to write. I know many people who know me think I'm a good write, I agree at times. But right now I don't agree. Writing is what I believe God gift. Yes, being a christian and writing is hard. At time I believe in God, at other times I don't. I want to write gay or transgendered fiction, plus my memoir doesn't want to come out. I know I have it hidden inside my head, but I'm frightened if I begin to write a gay/trans fiction people at church will denounce me.

I love my friends, but when I decided to come out to them, they blew me off. This hurt deeply. I wanted them to understand, but I doubt that will ever happen. In some cases I believe I've got good friends, in others I don't. Like a friend's husband, told me I shouldn't write these sorts of stories. I should write christian novels like my present one. I'm not only confused, but lost for where to start to figure out what sort of stories I'm meant to write.

My Scott Nash Story is about a boy who is abused by his mother and is rescued by his maternal grandmother, whom is an abusive in some ways. This story is getting hard to write. It's hard because It's a mirror image of my own life when I was Scott's age. Scott is 12yrs. He gets a social worker ad is put into a foster home. In the said foster home he is taught not all people are cruel and they end up adopting him.

Not I have a story I want to write. A story of a trouble child/teen struggling with being a gay trans-boy, but living in a female body. This is also based on my real life. I feel my life can be a guide to other trans and gay kids out there to read. In hopes of getting my gay/trans story written one day. Maybe today, maybe soon. I don't know right now.

Poem - Without You {Troi}

Your gone so I cannot breathe
Why was it so easy for you to leave?
I will always love you why can't you see?
Nothing else matters your the world to me

I'd swim for you even though I'd drown
I'd fly for you even though I don't know how
I would take you place in a hostage situation
Since you left I have had nothing but sorrow and devastation

What could I do to make this right?
How can I live without you in my life
I don't think I can go another night
Without knowing your here by my side

Poem - Heartbreaker

I can't stop crying. There's puddles of tears everywhere. My eyes are swollen and red from crying. My heads spinning in circles. I can't eat. I can't even sleep. My throats sore, and I can barely talk.

I'm going to go insane. I'm a small boy, in a big world.


HELP ME IF YOU CARE!

Hitting 10,000 Words - Scott Nash Story

I am pretty chuffed with myself. I have hit 10,000 words on my story, I believe this might be a hit. All I have to remember it's a rough draft, and it will need editing and polishing up after I've finished it. I believe the plot is one my best plots I've ever come up with. Plus it's helping me get my emotions and feeling out my mind and onto paper so to speak. Wish me luck...

Chapter five finally coming out the way i pictured it as. I thank supports and friends for the encouragement and faith in my talent God handing down to me.

Thanks C.R.H.P. sisters, and Melissa and Jimbo

Writing Progress - Scott Nash Story

I started this morning around 7:30am with 2,900 words. It's now 9:15am and I have 4,500 words. I believe after careful and dedicated prayer to God for guidance and  with my talent I believe this story will be done by christmas and I hope it writes as well as I love writing this story.

Excerpt:

Around three o'clock in the schoolyard, there was a fight. It was between Wade Richards and Luke Cantu. Watching the fight, reminded me of the punches mom threw at me when I was home. I hated being home, school was my safe haven. Hearing the roaring of a heavy engine, plus a screeching of tires, I turned around and noticed the fleet of yellow school buses driving into the far end of the schoolyard.  Standing there as the fight was ended, teachers were coming to Luke’s rescue.

I stood by the school gates hoping to delay the time for getting home. Once the fight was over, I climbed onto the bus. Moving down the bus, I found a seat in the middle of the bus. I got a feeling that tonight was going to be a bad one. I was used to the abusive tongue and hands of my mom.

The trip was over too soon.  I wanted to stay on the bus forever. I reluctantly climbed down the steps and headed home as slowly as possible.  Mom would be mad, but that would not be anything new.  However, something was unusual as I got there.  There were several police cars at my house as well as my grandmother’s car.  I started to hurry home to find out what was happening.

The moment I got to the garden gate, I saw mom talking with Nana Thomas and the police. I got nervous and a bit scared. I walked up to Nana and wrapping my arms around her waist. She put her hand on my shoulder and smile. Nana lifted my sweater off and showed my cut arm and the bruises on my back and chest. What was going on, I was nervous and very frightened. The police and the strange mane who was talking to Nana and the police, it was totally confusing and not the norm.