I'm tired of the darkness
I'm tired of the cold
i want it to end
i want to feel the sunshine
i want to feel it's warmth
I'm tired of the loneliness
I'm tired of the abandonment
i want to feel unending love
i want people to stay by my side
i want the ones that love me to never leave me
I'm tired of the pain
I'm tired of the tears
i want to be able to feel happiness
i want to be able to stay standing
i want to be able to smile
I'm tired of the hurting
I'm tired of the depression
i want to fix it all
i want to be put back together
i want to love again
I'm tired of the hatred
I'm tired of the disappointment
i want everything to be alright
i want this all to end
...i need this to end..
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Poem - Ghosts of the Past
Labelled mentally unstable,
I'm just a normal woman
lost in the past mistakes.
Counselling in a room scares me,
my poetry holds the truth of my emotions,
writing is the only way I speak.
Your just testing my reactions,
It's you making me loose my sanity,
I'm far from crazy can't you see.
Wishing I was dead doesn't mean I'm suicidal,
that's what led me down this path,
labelled mentally unstable and clinically depressed.
Just a woman struggling with the ghosts of the past.
I'm just a normal woman
lost in the past mistakes.
Counselling in a room scares me,
my poetry holds the truth of my emotions,
writing is the only way I speak.
Your just testing my reactions,
It's you making me loose my sanity,
I'm far from crazy can't you see.
Wishing I was dead doesn't mean I'm suicidal,
that's what led me down this path,
labelled mentally unstable and clinically depressed.
Just a woman struggling with the ghosts of the past.
Poem - Fade to Black
I felt my happiness leave.
My life began to disappear.
I felt betrayed and lost.
I continuously lived in fear.
Abuse can do powerful things.
Especially to an innocent child.
I felt unloved and used.
The depression in me ran wild.
I made a make believe life.
Nothing was as it seemed.
I hoped what happened wasn't real.
I wished it was all a dream.
The walls I've built are solid.
It was up to me to protect myself.
All my hope was washed away.
I didn't know how to ask for help.
Now I feel like I've lost control.
I ran myself straight into the ground.
My life has fully faded to black.
To these demons I remain bound.
My life began to disappear.
I felt betrayed and lost.
I continuously lived in fear.
Abuse can do powerful things.
Especially to an innocent child.
I felt unloved and used.
The depression in me ran wild.
I made a make believe life.
Nothing was as it seemed.
I hoped what happened wasn't real.
I wished it was all a dream.
The walls I've built are solid.
It was up to me to protect myself.
All my hope was washed away.
I didn't know how to ask for help.
Now I feel like I've lost control.
I ran myself straight into the ground.
My life has fully faded to black.
To these demons I remain bound.
Poem - Suicide
Suicide,
ending your life,
have you ever thought bout it,
just saying goodbye,
and making yourself vanish from earth.
I have once upon a time,
slitting my wrists,
blowing my head off with a gun,
hanging myself,
overdosing on pills,
or maybe just purposely,
crashing a car to where i won't survive.
Not having to feel the pain anymore,
going to a place you feel safe,
to where no pain is felt,
only pure happiness,
I've always wanted to see,
the beautiful pearly gates of heaven,
but thats where your wrong,
suicide you go to hell.
Ending your life,
when you feel nothing is right,
depression consumes your life,
you can't smile,
you don't laugh,
shit you can't even fake it,
your so down in the blues.
That's when suicide crosses your mind,
you think,
maybe I'm better off dead,
nobody will miss me,
not like anybody cares anyways,
so you start to plan your death,
get the suicide letter ready,
tell everybody I Love You,
one last time.
Days later,
your ready to end your life,
you say I'm So Sorry,
out loud hoping someone can hear you,
but knowing they can't.
Whats your method,
a bottle of pills,
a bottle of jack,
you open the bottle,
throw them in your mouth,
chug the alcohol,
and say your last goodbyes.
Suicide,
an easy way out,
ending your life,
have you ever thought bout it,
just saying goodbye,
and making yourself vanish from earth.
ending your life,
have you ever thought bout it,
just saying goodbye,
and making yourself vanish from earth.
I have once upon a time,
slitting my wrists,
blowing my head off with a gun,
hanging myself,
overdosing on pills,
or maybe just purposely,
crashing a car to where i won't survive.
Not having to feel the pain anymore,
going to a place you feel safe,
to where no pain is felt,
only pure happiness,
I've always wanted to see,
the beautiful pearly gates of heaven,
but thats where your wrong,
suicide you go to hell.
Ending your life,
when you feel nothing is right,
depression consumes your life,
you can't smile,
you don't laugh,
shit you can't even fake it,
your so down in the blues.
That's when suicide crosses your mind,
you think,
maybe I'm better off dead,
nobody will miss me,
not like anybody cares anyways,
so you start to plan your death,
get the suicide letter ready,
tell everybody I Love You,
one last time.
Days later,
your ready to end your life,
you say I'm So Sorry,
out loud hoping someone can hear you,
but knowing they can't.
Whats your method,
a bottle of pills,
a bottle of jack,
you open the bottle,
throw them in your mouth,
chug the alcohol,
and say your last goodbyes.
Suicide,
an easy way out,
ending your life,
have you ever thought bout it,
just saying goodbye,
and making yourself vanish from earth.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Getting through Writer's Block
I have been moved into our new apartment. Since moving here on 1st July. It's now 23rd July and this is the first time I have thought about getting to the writing process. But I only started to try and write my current story. I've tried to write, but it was rubbish. When I think my writing I total rubbish I would delete it and go and try again. This went on through the month till today. I thought I was blocked and would never write again. My partner works at the local library.
I love reading and I have done so all throughout this month. He brought some book home about writing he thought I'd love to read. He does this often. he knows what I love reading, when it comes down to nonfiction books. The current books I'm reading right now are Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg and A Novel Idea by a mixture of Christian writers. These books have given me insight to getting back onto my computer to write. I believe these books are insightful and have spoken to me. Spoken to my inner soul.
I decided after reading Writing down the Bones, I got that feeling. The feeling to get back onto the computer and begin writing through writers block. I began to write starting from scratch. The story I want to write is called Leap of Faith. I hope to be able to get this novel finished by the end of the year. My inner demons which were stopping me from writing. The demons that told me I wasn't going to be a writer I dreamed myself to be. With the support of church friends, family and my partner. I am trying to get back into the game and show what I can do.
I love reading and I have done so all throughout this month. He brought some book home about writing he thought I'd love to read. He does this often. he knows what I love reading, when it comes down to nonfiction books. The current books I'm reading right now are Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg and A Novel Idea by a mixture of Christian writers. These books have given me insight to getting back onto my computer to write. I believe these books are insightful and have spoken to me. Spoken to my inner soul.
I decided after reading Writing down the Bones, I got that feeling. The feeling to get back onto the computer and begin writing through writers block. I began to write starting from scratch. The story I want to write is called Leap of Faith. I hope to be able to get this novel finished by the end of the year. My inner demons which were stopping me from writing. The demons that told me I wasn't going to be a writer I dreamed myself to be. With the support of church friends, family and my partner. I am trying to get back into the game and show what I can do.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Update - Damaged Goods
For the last week I have been trying to get this story to flow as well as I want. First draft of the first four chapters didn't read well. I prayed about it. I believe in praying each time I write. I found I wasn't writing the story true to me. I began re-writing it again. I did this for several times. Now I'm on Chapter Three and it's flowing like nothing. I love the way the story is going. I also believe God is giving me a helping hand on this story. It's flowing well and I have never written this well in such a long time. Maybe since last NaNoWriMo.
Friday, June 17, 2011
New Story - Damaged Goods
For the past month or so, I've been unable to write anything that resembled good writing. I prayed hard each day, but everything I tried to write turned out to be gibberish. I tried forcing myself to write and to create a good story. But nothing was working out. I thought I would never be able to write a story again. I wrote one novel last November with NaNoWriMo. I did it. That story flowed with ease and I wrote it so easily. I now took a break of about 30 to 35 days. I wrote nothing, no poems, no stories and I couldn't even write blog entries. I went cold turkey to speak.
Now after 30+ days without writing, I wrote over 4,000 words in just a couple of hours. I then thanked God for allowing me to write. It just flowed with ease, just with my November story from last year. I then told a friend who giggled and thought I was silly. I also told my partner and they were all for me and said well done. It was nice to know that they supported me in my writing. They are always supporting me in whatever I do with writing, studying and so forth. I also have online friends that support me. I will dedicate my first novel to my partner and my best friend in Massachusetts.
Now after 30+ days without writing, I wrote over 4,000 words in just a couple of hours. I then thanked God for allowing me to write. It just flowed with ease, just with my November story from last year. I then told a friend who giggled and thought I was silly. I also told my partner and they were all for me and said well done. It was nice to know that they supported me in my writing. They are always supporting me in whatever I do with writing, studying and so forth. I also have online friends that support me. I will dedicate my first novel to my partner and my best friend in Massachusetts.
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