Poem - You Are to Blame

You are the cause
You are my pain
You are the reason
I'm going insane

I hate you dearly
My soul will ache
As long as I know
That you're awake

You've made me weak
You forced me to lie
You are the reason
Why I still cry

You've ruined my life
It's all your fault
I cannot escape
Your deadly assault

I'm haunted by you
And your twisted soul
Your hate stricken mind
holds a selfish control

I wish for your death
To be painful and slow
I wish for the day
You go down below

I want you to suffer
For all that you've done
My sadness was born
The day you begun

Everything you know
Everything you touch
has been destroyed
By your evil clutch

I place this on you
This is your blame
There's no one else
This is your shame

You deserve the worst
May you never be free
At least I'm not selfish
Because you are me....

Camp NaNoWriMo Update

It's been a tough time writing this Camp NaNoWriMo. I think it's due to not being motivated and not being able to progress with my story. I think it might help if I got out and wrote somewhere else. I think maybe in time I can finish this story by 30th July. I know I want to move forward and finish this WIP. I just not sure I have the inspiration or motivation right now. It's just I am not getting tit to flow the last few days. I got to chapter 3.

I got a word count is - 4,613 words thus far. I know I got to reach 25000 by 30th July. That is my goal.If I do not move forward I will be letting myself down, plus I will be telling myself I haven't got the gift any longer to write these storie4s I have inside my head. I get the idea, but nothing more. I hate when it gets this hard to write. I feel so alive and free when I'm writing. Right now feeling so depressed because I'm not getting the chapter started.

I feeling  that I need help getting chapter 3 off the ground. the other two chapters came out right after the 4th July. Now it's  the 11th July and I'm stuck in a rut right now. I need to get this back on track. If only I had my partner out here helping me. They are great at inspiring me with my stories. I have written 4 novel this far. One in my first year. The others three were November NaNoWriMo winners. If only I could get this going again would be fantastic.

Just need someone to give me a good starting point for chapter 3. Need help....

Three Line that will help yo write better

Just as you would approach an agent or editor you should try to wrap up your idea in a paragraph. Here are some points you can consider:

1. You need a title. Write your working title in big letters at the top of the page. You can even make a mock-up of your cover. It’s inspirational.
2. Who, what and why? You need a character, start with them and the inciting moment. The inciting moment gives you a goal and that conflict will give you an antagonist.
3. When, where and how? If you are writing sci-fi or historical fiction, this question becomes even more important, but you should pick a moment in time and then tell me how all of this is going to happen.

Consider this:

[Character’s name] + [inciting moment] + [story goal] leads to [intriguing question]

For example: Paint It Black by Janet Fitch

Josie’s boyfriend commits suicide. She wants to find out why, but that means dealing with his crazy controlling mother. Should Josie let herself be lured into a life of riches by the woman who destroyed the man she loved?

In short ask yourself, who wants to do what and why? Then print it out, stick it to your wall and when in doubt go back and ask yourself if you are answering the question.

so you want to be a writer?

so you want to be a writer?

Charles Bukowski, 1920 – 1994
 
if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.

if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.

if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.

if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.

if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.

if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.

if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.

unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.

unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.
there is no other way.
and there never was.

Camp NaNo - July 2015

This morning I decided to get working on my new story idea I've been pondering for a while. It's a transgender story with sci-fi elements to it. This is the first sci-fi story I've ever attempted to write. I love Star Trek, Star Wars and a few other sci-fi books and movies. I also love Stargate, Babylon 5. to name just a few. I want to make this story a great one. I am going to attempt this story with an open mind. I'm transgender too. So this is going to be an eye opener.

The title so far is called Forgotten Rebels. It's theme is transgender, dysfuctional family fiction too.

Outline:
Ambitious, sporty and butch. Danielle was known to her friends as the  butch lesbian. She knew this wasn't her true self. She was confused and felt so alone in her life. Every time she looked in the mirror she saw something that she couldn't understand. It wasn't her looking back it as a short, spiky haired boy looking at her. Not her at all. She knew she was different, but this was confusing her beyond belief.

Danni went to her parents to ask about taking her to a gender therapist. They refused and told  her she was a girl. Danni was fourteen and in high school. She knew who she was. She wasn't the girl she struggled to be, but a boy trapped inside her female body. She got her parents together and told them she was going to run away if they didn't listen to her. She knew she had to get away from them. She ran to the woods where she found a portal. It was glowing bright blue and green. the colors where twirling into each other. She put her hand into it and felt someone grab it. They tried to pull her into the portal. She pulled back as hard as she could. She was yanked through the portal.

Danni saw the three boys who had pulled her into the portal. She was now confused to where she was. nothing looked the same. The town was different somehow. it was like Hythe, not the Hythe she knew. She knew she was in a different world. This is her story from girl into boy in a matter of seconds.

Excerpt:

It was a cold blustery night in December. The rain was coming down in bucket loads. It was like God’s bath was badly overflowing. With Danni researching names he wanted to be know as. He was going to come out to his parents once he picked the right time and with his younger sisters tucked up snug in their beds. This was the time to tell his parents who he truly was. No more hiding under a bushel.

Slowly Danni walked into the living room were his parents were cuddling on the couch watching Dirty Dancing. It was Mom’s favorite movie of all time. Just as Danni walked into the room, he could see it was his only chance to become the boy they should have been born as. The time was now. Whether it was the right time or not, Danni had to tell them his plans for the rest of their life.

Slowly he stood in front of the TV screen, blocking them from seeing the movie. It would make them pause it while he came out. Not sure of their reaction to his news. Also what he’d picked as his boy name. “Mom, Dad I got something important to discuss with you.” His Dad hit the pause button on the remote. Danni knew what he was about to say. “Yes this is the right time. It’s very important” Danni told them.

“Danielle what is it? Hurry as this is the best part.” Danni hated being called Danielle. It wasn’t their right name in their book.

“Mom, Dad, I’m a transgender person. It means I was born into the wrong body. Don’t worry, I printed out some things I found on the internet that best explains what I am and what I am going to do to right the birth defect.” Danni explained to them as he handed out what he’d printed off the internet. “No Mom it isn’t a phase at all. I want you to refer to me as Marquis, or Mark. I research and know my grandfather was also named Marquis. I’ll have a middle name of David. So I’ll be Marquis David Foxx.” Mark was finished talking. He waited on his parents to listen and help him change, or would they disown him for this?

Poem - What is This

What is this?
What is this numbness I feel?
What is this emptiness filling me within?

I feel nothing
I used to be able to ignore this
I used to be able to act as if nothing was wrong

I can't anymore

I can't do this
I can't act as if nothing is wrong anymore
I can't hide it

This is too much

I can't handle this
I don't know how
For how am I supposed to deal when the cause is unknown?

Used to, music would pull me out of this numb state
But not even now

Nothing helps now

Poem - This Feeling

I hate this feeling.. the feeling before it all breaks down and i burst into tears, it's hard always trying your best to keep your head up, all these nightmares.. all this time alone.. it makes me go crazy, i don't know if i can go on like this for much longer.

It's so hard.. harder then i could ever imagine, it feels like I'm drowning. Get pulled deeper down till i can't see the light anymore and I'm chained to the bottom, I'm drowning, slowly dying and no one is there to save me.. no one knows.. no one cares.

A smile on my face, my head up high, it looks like you can't break me.. But I'm already broken, to broken to be fixed and still you can't see the real side of me