Words cannot say,
What I want them too.
I can't say how I feel,
Nobody believes it's true.
Instead I hold it in,
Hoping I'll get through.
Another day in pain,
Knowing its me not you.
How do you tell family,
That you're falling apart.
Hiding that your sad,
And your broken heart.
What happens when,
You think your not worth it all.
You wish they'd realize,
You can't help but fall.
When you cry secretly,
And you cry yourself to sleep.
You keep your door shut,
So nobody hears you weep.
You distance yourself,
So nobody gets hurt.
If you decide to end the pain,
And scatter yourself in dirt.
The day you knew the fact,
It was the day of your birth.
You came into life,
Knowing what you were worth.
Every single coin spent,
You wished to take it back.
Thinking your not worth it,
And leave it just at that.
You can't help but think,
You can't do it on your own.
But you don't want anyone close,
Incase you still end up alone.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Poem - PTSD
I can still smell him.
The musky sweat, the cologne, the popcorn on his breath.
I still feel him.
His sharp, evil fingernails everywhere they shouldn't be.
His thick, calloused hands everywhere they shouldn't be.
I remember the pain.
His watch scraping against the scabbed-over, self-harm, razor slits on my hipbones
as everything I protected was abused and thieved.
His fingernails.
My throat.
My sense of security.
I can't get out.
My skin is wound airtight around my bones.
I want to slice it with a blade
long, deep lines
and step out
and run
sprint,
never stop.
I'm not pretty anymore.
I feel bad for the man, if I ever marry.
Too many times I've cut my skin.
Raised, purple, flat, brown
scars covering my stomach, arms, thighs.
Word scars.
Fat, ugly, dead.
It was seven months ago.
And I feel everything
and see everything
hear it all -
as if it were in the last 5 minutes.
And I don't want to live anymore.
The musky sweat, the cologne, the popcorn on his breath.
I still feel him.
His sharp, evil fingernails everywhere they shouldn't be.
His thick, calloused hands everywhere they shouldn't be.
I remember the pain.
His watch scraping against the scabbed-over, self-harm, razor slits on my hipbones
as everything I protected was abused and thieved.
His fingernails.
My throat.
My sense of security.
I can't get out.
My skin is wound airtight around my bones.
I want to slice it with a blade
long, deep lines
and step out
and run
sprint,
never stop.
I'm not pretty anymore.
I feel bad for the man, if I ever marry.
Too many times I've cut my skin.
Raised, purple, flat, brown
scars covering my stomach, arms, thighs.
Word scars.
Fat, ugly, dead.
It was seven months ago.
And I feel everything
and see everything
hear it all -
as if it were in the last 5 minutes.
And I don't want to live anymore.
Poem - Suicide
If I killed myself...
Would anybody care?
If I didn't...
Would anyone be there?
So many questions to ask,
Why won't the pain go away?
My heart can't take much more..
So why do I stay?
Nobody wants me here.
I am nothing.
If I killed myself...
Would I be something?
Friday, March 1, 2013
Self-Harm Awareness Day
I wanted to share something one my favorite authors wrote. Please click on the photo of Cheryl Rainfield and it will take you to what is important for all Self-Harmers' That is we need to know that the abuse or whatever causes us to self-harm wasn't our fault. Please DON'T hurt yourselves. You are good people and lovable. Trust me it took me several years to believe this and know I'm worth everything.
If after reading what Cheryl wrote you still have those urges to self harm please seek professional help...
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| Reasons Not To Hurt Yourself |
If after reading what Cheryl wrote you still have those urges to self harm please seek professional help...
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Poem - Angel, I should have told you
Your laughter speaks the loudest
And you tell me that you're fine
Angel, don't you lie to me
It's time to draw the line
Tell me why you're breaking apart
And why it hurts to give a smile
Give me a chance to let you in
And you'll find that it's worthwhile
I can tell you're trying so very hard
To swallow your faults and fears
I can hear you when you whisper
"If you only knew of all my tears"
You're losing yourself a little at a time
I see you're starting to fade away
Angel, don't you lose your hope
If you come to me, I will stay
"What's wrong", you're always asked
You return with the same reply
"Nothing, I'm okay..." said with
a disheartened twinkle in your eye
I can see the suffering you lock away
With all of the memories that you keep
I can always see your tired face
From when you cry yourself to sleep
It's quite obvious that you want to go
But, you can't leave me here alone
Angel, Don't you let go of your life
I'll fill the gaps that need to be sewn
And you tell me that you're fine
Angel, don't you lie to me
It's time to draw the line
Tell me why you're breaking apart
And why it hurts to give a smile
Give me a chance to let you in
And you'll find that it's worthwhile
I can tell you're trying so very hard
To swallow your faults and fears
I can hear you when you whisper
"If you only knew of all my tears"
You're losing yourself a little at a time
I see you're starting to fade away
Angel, don't you lose your hope
If you come to me, I will stay
"What's wrong", you're always asked
You return with the same reply
"Nothing, I'm okay..." said with
a disheartened twinkle in your eye
I can see the suffering you lock away
With all of the memories that you keep
I can always see your tired face
From when you cry yourself to sleep
It's quite obvious that you want to go
But, you can't leave me here alone
Angel, Don't you let go of your life
I'll fill the gaps that need to be sewn
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Me, Myself and I
After reading a blog I follow recently I found out I have some things I'd like to share. I know talking about oneself can be classed as being self-centered. I'm not usually self-centered or selfish. I just think talking about one thing I just adore doing and telling the world about my incredible gifts. God gave me the gift with words. I just love to write and I write as best as I can.
Writing is what I've come to love to do since I was in my early teen years. My abusive family never knew how I believed in God or how good my writing could be. I thank them for some things. Maybe I got my gift from one my siblings or even my parents. I do know I love writing my own stories and poems... Writing is what I do best. My partner will tell you I'm a great writer of Christian Young Adult fiction.
Over the past three to four months I've been working on two stories. I finished my NaNo novel and I started my third story/novel. I';m on chapter 4 on my 3rd novel. I'm hoping to finish it and maybe I should edit my second or first novel so I can get one of them published. I do need the money, but I want to put my work out there and for the youth of today to know about God and Jesus. How they are there for us all. Plus, that God the Trinity shouldn't have to be known, just having faith and believing in the Trinity should be enough.
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The Trinity |
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Update: Valley of Echoes
The day is Thursday 10th January. I have been writing on my story for almost three months now. I started it during NaNoWriMo. Now it is almost done. I have learned a lot from writing this story. It started out as a easy project. It ended up being really hard to get down onto paper. It taught me that I am stronger for writing it. I suffered a hell of a lot of abuse under the watchful hands of many of my biological family members. I now know that I'm in a better place for writing this story. One day I'll get it out there to the youth of today.
I want to let the youth that God is there for them. They didn't, aren't and will not suffer in vain. He is there watching over them and guiding his angels to be by your sides. Just allow him to help and guide you. I found God late in life, but knew he was always there for me. Plus, you can contact the social services and know that they are there to listen, and help you get away from your abusers. I know this now. I never when I was undergoing the abuse.
Don't go through it alone. You have resources out there for you to contact and get help from. I know they are there. I talked with some social workers, therapists and counselors too. You need them to help you get away from those who hurt and neglect you. Get and seek the right help.
I want to let the youth that God is there for them. They didn't, aren't and will not suffer in vain. He is there watching over them and guiding his angels to be by your sides. Just allow him to help and guide you. I found God late in life, but knew he was always there for me. Plus, you can contact the social services and know that they are there to listen, and help you get away from your abusers. I know this now. I never when I was undergoing the abuse.
Don't go through it alone. You have resources out there for you to contact and get help from. I know they are there. I talked with some social workers, therapists and counselors too. You need them to help you get away from those who hurt and neglect you. Get and seek the right help.
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