New Ideas, New Dreams

Having read about the writing process I have found that Maybe I need a new perspective on my work in process. I am dealing with a lot of issues right now. Getting into therapy and seeing a psych doctor too. I know not many have this problem. I do. I was neglected and abused in more ways than one can say here. If you want to know about struggles in life email me sometime. For right now I am not going to finish my NaNo story for NaNo this year. I will however try and finish the story as I have good views of how this story will be viewed by the public when I do get around to publishing it.

I think the Learning to Trust Again story is a good one. One day others who deal with abusive parents in one way or another will know they aren't alone. They need to know that life is good. You just have to get through the rough patches to find the good. Some parents just need help or something to do to help them deal with emotions, feelings and other life issues that come along. I do know from personal experiences that life throws lots of curveballs, but they soon throw fairly normal balls at you that you can deal with. Just get through the rough patches and it'll be good.

I will post on all my blogs at some time or rather frequently. I just need time or make time to post something of interest to my reader. Not sure what would interest them. I like having someone read my thoughts, ideas on writing and the writing process too. I love writing poetry, stories I tend to like try short story writing, but always end up getting them way too long and they become novels or short novels.

Just keep in mind life and how it has it's ups and downs. I would like to find others to do stuff with. Have fun all

Update - NaNoWriMo Story

Today has been a productive morning and early afternoon. My writing on this story I'm doing for my NaNoWriMo story is really going well. I have not written much on it since I started, but back on track today. Also texted my writing buddy about my progress and she wants to go writing tonight. I can get even more work done on this story. I feel good, no great about this story. I know it is hard work writing it. But it is helping me deal with issues I need to deal with. Something like therapy, without a therapist.

I do have a therapist, but not seen her in a while. I feel this story is helping work out some issues I have with things I'm dealing with myself right now. Like being a drinker and not trying to drink too much. I also this story will be great once finished and edited for publication. I sure that going writing tonight with my friend will be good for us. I believe this is good progress to do this. Writing is kind of my life. I want nothing better to do than writing my life away in my stories I think up. Also might be helping me heal some too. Which is a good thing? I hope it's a good thing.

Theresa is my writing buddy, and she is also on my CRHP team too. CRHP is a Christian retreat I did way back, long ago. We meet when we can. We are a group mainly girls except me. They just don't see that. That is my choice though. I am trans, a transgender guy. I just bind my chest and hope one-day o be my true self. WHich means transitioning, but just not now. not the right time and no dosh to do it. Even if my bud Chris is willing to pay for everything. I have to do what is right for our family. Without thinking what it would do to my self-confidence.

CRHP Stands for Christ Renews His Parish. It's a Christian retreat that Catholic churches do with a group of Either Men or Women. They sit around and talk about God, Jesus and stuff. T+You share things about your life and what God plays in that life you lead. I have a Christian blog, will put a link to it on this blog soon. Might find it interesting for you.

New Project - NaNoWriMo (Learning to Trust Again)

Was going to write one story for my NaNoWriMo project. Changed my mind on what to write this time around. I decided on that story I worked all month in October on was not the right one to write right now. I have done a fast work on a new idea and it is coming together nicely. I think this one is the right story to write for my NaNoWriMo story. It got started on the 1st November, but not written on it since that night. I do need to focus my time more and write each day till I reach the end or finish the story whichever comes first. I hope this one is a great one. I never like my writing as I am not very well educated, but people seem to like my poetry, so maybe it might be good, who knows. I hate my work, even though I love writing my stories.

Storyline
Chase is living with his dad. He loves his dad, trust him. His dad is always getting drunk after work when he drinks and gets drunk, he gets violent with his son Chase. Chase tried hard to not let the bruises show when in school. When his friend Luke sees the bruises and knows the family history of his dad and what goes on at the house. He tells the coach about the bruises and they take Chase to the principal and they call social services. They soon arrive and find that Chase is not only got tons of bruises but is very underfed. He is losing a lot of weight since his dad doesn't buy much in food, but only beer and vodka.

Chase is then taking a social worker to his house, to gather some things, like (clothes, books and anything the boy needs to have with him). He is taken to a temporary foster home. This is the Bennett house. They have three children, one is adopted. Their children at the beginning welcome Chase into their home. But the son resents Chase and the love his parents give him. He begins to hate Chase and bully him, even though he is young and wants the love from his parents. Chase runs away as he can't deal with the bullying.  His social worker moves him to a different foster family, one she believes will reach out to Chase and help him deal with his life and prepare him to return to his dad after he his therapy and detoxing at the detox retreat place.  Chase even get to call his dad from time to time. ALso gets a few visits when his dad is due to go home.

The Lang family also get Chase into going to church, believing in God and Jesus. They are religious (Baptists). After going to church for a few months The Lang family hope he will get his dad into going to church too. they have high hopes for Chase and his dad. So does the social worker who is helping Chase. The Lang family start to show Chase that life with his dad once he is not drinking will be a lot better than before.

He finally gets to go home to his dad. Todd is happy to finally be home with his son. They begin counseling and go through life after the fact of dealing with anger and depression due to him losing his wife so young. She died when Chase was just four years old. His dad is slowly getting better and they both start going to church and becoming Christians. They both get baptized.

Excerpt

Just as he was running out of time. Principal Riley opened his door. “Come on in. Sorry, it took a while. I was on the phone with someone’s mother.” He looked at Chase out the corner of his eye. “What is the problem?” He asked as he opened his door wide. Nurse Smith walked her and Chase into the room.

“We have a serious problem. This lad is Chase Davidson. He has been getting beaten by his father. Show Principal Riley those bruises.” She told Chase as she put her hand on his shoulder. “You are going to be fine now. No more getting beaten by your father.” She told him.

Chase's hands began shaking, his heart was beating fast like it was a big bass drum being hit a thousand times a second. He lifted his shirt, showing his chest and back, then he showed off the bruises on his thighs. “Dad doesn’t mean it. He is stressed and going through a lot right now. Please let it be left alone.” Chase said hoping this would stop them doing anything more.

“Son, this is very serious. How long has it been going on?” Principal Riley asked. Chase knew this wasn’t the end. It was just the beginning of the end of his life with his dad. He would never see him again. He was frightened.

“What are you going to do?” Chase asked. He knew his heart was never going to stop beating so fast. He was beginning to panic.

Chase fell to the floor curling into a ball and rocking himself to and fro. This made both Nurse Smith and Principal Riley know they had to sort this problem out. It had to happen soon. Principal smiled and sat down at his desk and got onto the phone while Chase just rocked himself on the floor. He felt the tears beginning to fall down his cheek.

Nurse Smith looked at the Principal and got onto the floor and cuddle Chase to reassure him things were going to be alright. “Chase, Principal Riley knows what to do at times like this. You will be put somewhere safe now. I know you love your father, but he need s help. You will not be away from him for that long. I am sure of that. If your father gets the help he needs you will be with him again one day.” Nurse Smith reassures Chase.

“Are you sure they won’t arrest him and lock him up forever?” Chase sobs to her.

“I’m almost positive he will not be arrested if he is truly looking for help. If he is, they will assist him in getting help and getting his life back on track.” She tried her hardest to make Chase understand they are doing it for his health and benefit.

“Well, the social services are sending someone here soon. You will need to wait outside my office. Young man when they arrive. You will be protected by them. Your father maybe gets arrested they are not sure. The main thing is they will look out for you. You father may need a lot of help, they will help him and you sort things out. You’ll be safe now. Wait outside till they get here. No more worrying or concern.” Principal Riley told Chase.

Progress Report on W.I.P.

Today hasn't been very productive. I got some writing done yesterday and the day before. I've started a brand new story. My current W.I.P is Chronicles of Julia O'Brien (Book One) Still haven't gotten a good title for the first book. I'm finding writing this book is getting out feeling when I lost my best friend who died from cancer. I know this story will be good for those who have lost parents to an illness or disease. I know I want my books to reach those who will relate to the themes in each of them. This will be a series of books. About the main character Julia O'Brien. She is part Irish and part American. Born in America, but raised mainly in England and sometimes in Ireland. she speaks with a very southern British accent.

The Outline:
Julia's mother is dying of cancer. She decides to stop chemotherapy so she can spend time with her daughter. Fiona is Julia's mother. She decides to take her daughter and go to America. She flies them both to Indiana, US. Fiona tells her own mother what she intends to do. She also tells Julia that they are flying to Indiana, USA. Julia hates the idea of leaving the only home she has ever known. Till her mother tells her she was born in America. Fiona also tells her daughter that there is a family who is going to be her new guardians when she dies. This news upsets Julia. SHe finds it hard to understand why she can't stay with her grandmother in Canning Town, England. London had been Julia's home since she could remember. She guessed her mother took her from America to England when she was a baby or toddler.

They land in Indianapolis International Airport. Moira Carpenter meets them at the gate. She has a Silver Dodge Grand Caravan. The minivan is about three years old, but it treated like it's brand spanking new. Julia takes an instant dislike to Moira. She isn't liking she has to accept the fact her mother is dying. This is hard for her as she never knew her father. When Abe tells her he overheard his parents and Fiona talking about Julia's father living near them. This shocks her as her grandmother told her he was dead and not to ask about him. Now she beings thinking maybe she can find him and meet up with him. She had so many questions about why he never was in touch with her or Fiona. She believes maybe her grandmother was the cause of her never having her father in her life.

Slowly Julia gets used to the fact her mother was dying. She also learned that Moira and her family love her to pieces. This is happening slowly at Julia's pace. They also enroll her in grade school. it's where three of the four boys go to school. She then protects Jacob from bullies at school. Getting used to having four brothers when just before her mum dies gets adopted by Moira and Daniel Carpenter. They become her new family. They are firm, but fair parents. Julia finds them a good influence on her negative moods.

After the funeral, Julia finds that The Carpenters are very caring, loving to her. She fights their love at first. After a few months, she accepts their love and begins to call Moira and Daniel, mum and dad. She also relies on the boys to be her friends s well as being her new brothers. She was used to being an only child, now she had four brothers. She had her own room. The Carpenters brought her a laptop and some toys and clothes. She had minimal clothing from England. Now she excepts that she is American. Julia asks Moira if she can find her birth father and meet him. She learns her father is gay and living with a man. Her father was shocked that she was back in the US and doesn't want to know her. He had adopted two children with his partner. They are a family unit. He wants nothing to do with her.

Excerpt:

In the end, it didn’t actually matter? It was only a matter of time. Julia knew deep down she only had a very short time left with her mum. She only had a short time to spend precious time with her mum. Julia watched as her mum slept as they flew all the way from England to America. The flight was making even Julia sleepy. She turned to her book resting on her lap. She had her right palm resting on the book cover. Julia knew it was just a matter of time before she loses her mum forever. It was something she didn’t want to even think about at this point. She had to try thinking positive thoughts. Like the good memories of when she was little or when she her mum and Nana Lily would go to the park or the zoo. Just the thoughts made her become a tad happier.

Just as Julia was about to read her book. The one she carried everywhere she went. She just loved Liz Rettig books. Especially the Kelly Ann diaries. She had most of them. She was reading Rocky Romance one. It was the second time she’d read it. But she loves the book. Julia opened the book to the beginning. Just as a stewardess tapped her on the shoulder with a smile. “Hello, Miss. Would you like something to eat and a drink?” the stewardess asked her.

Julia rubbed her chin to think. “Yes please, I’m wanting something vegetarian please  and a Pepsi.” She told the lady.

“We got vegetarian curry or salad with cheese slices. Which one would you like? We don’t do Pepsi, we do have a cola though. Generic one. Or orange or apple juice or you can have chocolate or plain milk. The choice is yours.” the stewardess told her. Julia smiled at the thought of all those choices.

“I think I’ll have chocolate milk, please. With the curry. I like vegetable curry.” Julia told her. Thinking her mum might also be hungry.

“Does your mother want anything?” Julia was unsure but thought she would.

“Maybe, but she is sleeping right now. She doesn’t like spicy food. What do you have? She might want a coffee though.” Julia said as her mum opened her eyes to see who Julia was speaking with.

Poem

The words I've scrawled across this page
Have a meaning that haunts me still,
Animating in my mind
After all these years they kill.

And so I pick up the pen again
Though it feels foreign in my hand
And stare once more into the Abyss:
The wreckage of all I've planned

My words tend to disarm and charm
Those who come to read
And in their heartbreak, I have planted
From my own ache a tiny seed

Whether it's a weed or flower
I will never come to know
I have never had the patience 
To stay and watch it grow

I sow these seeds in my lines
Nurtured with feelings I cannot say
And when it comes time for them to bloom
The world can reap whatever it may

I think I prefer it this way
Let my echoes remain unknown
Let them take this how they will
And leave me in my darkness... 

Poem - Just out of Reach

All my dreams
Are just out of Reach 
No matter how far I run 
or how far I stretch out to get them 
They are just out of my reach 
my fingertips barely brushing them.

Poem - Sadness

Sadness is one emotion, which remains To deal with it is never easy Although, as it is always the case, everything lingers Like a painful shadow, when one loses hope Is the way sadness is, which requires an outlet Be it in anyway, mostly through creativity As, when we are creative, then things turn to be really soulful.

Poem - Spelling my pain

D is for Drugs used to mask the pain, E is for an Ecstasy I long to embrace, P is for the Peculiar way people treat you, R is for Remembering better days, E is for Exit - a way to escape, S is for Solitude always alone, S is for Sadness my only emotion, I is for Indomitable - I will not break, O is for Ostracised - my way of hiding, N is for Never give up never surrender. I spell it so you better understand, What it is to live in this terrible land, A place without hope or light, To you all, I bid good night.

Poem - Too Late

Why weren't you there
Why didn't you even care
The scars deep inside
I just threw them aside

I pretended that things were okay
When they were actually in disarray
I was left alone, all filled up with hate
Years have passed, now it's all too late

I sewed myself shut from you
Now you can't break me, you can't push through
You don't mean anything to me anymore
You're just a prisoner of your own war

Poem - I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment 
I didn't mean to do what I did
I'm sorry I'm such a disgrace
I'm sorry if I embarrassed you
You say I was an accident 
You said I was a mistake
But what really hurt 
Was when you said you wanted me dead

Poem - Scars

Here on my arm lies a mark that I made.
When I was so low I cut with a blade
To punish my body for being a mess,
Though here is my testament, I must confess...

That seeing these scars left on my arms, legs and chest
Makes me realize I was in a place of no rest;
I feel guilty inside for leaving this token.
Now I will see and remember that I was so broken.

But seeing these scars helps me see
That I survived so much trauma and now I am free;
So I ask of you now to stand with me and fight,
To show all these demons what they're doing's not right,

You won the battle of good versus bad.
You are still alive and are no longer sad;
Here on my arm lies a mark of survival,
I got through my hate and beat my self-rival.

Poem - Childhood Demons

Not a cloud in the sky
And yet its pouring rain 
I've been struck by lightning 
But I am numb to its pain

There's too much scar tissue
Been burned too many times
Twenty-seven years of hell
Inspiring these rhymes

Scar on my left brow
"Children should be seen, and not heard
I will hit you again
If you say another word"

Children should never know 
The pain of cigarette burns
Or press a blade to their wrist
Bleeding as the bayonet turns

I remember when I was five
I just wanted to die
I was beaten everyday
While my "mother" was getting high

Hadn't even started school,
I was touched and groped by fiends
Whispers I hear to this day
When my demons convene

Now I am older, chip on shoulder
Dysfunctional veteran, disturbed
No fuse to speak of, its so short
And I'm dangerously perturbed 

No one hurts me anymore for
Dangerous thoughts plague my mind
They know if they hurt me now
I will respond in kind

Its not eye for an eye
I go for the throat
I only swing to put down
Like a vet with a garrote

One man army life created
Towards me- the wrong direction 
Wake up strapped down and sedated
Witnessing your own vivisection 

That's a live dissection for
Those of you who don't know
The darkness where I grew 
My daughters will never know

How did I learn to parent?
My baby sister and brother...
Someone had to take the hits
From a cocaine infused mother

Permanent clouds loom
Everywhere that I walk
And in my shadow I hear talking
As my deadly demons stalk

Poem - Nobody Knows What to Say Anymore

My pen is filled with so many tears,
the paper is beginning to look like
a tidal wave of emotion.

Cocaine has kidnapped my daughter
forced her to live a life of naked humiliation,
meth is the monster who lives inside her soul;
she has become a "cracked" egg.

Two days of detox; teases my hope
only to leave me crying again;

A
L
O
N
E

The drive from work becomes
a scary invitation of madness.

I am not afraid to admit
That I'm a coward,
I can't bare to watch her die

S
L
O
W
L
Y

Killing her unborn son
With every sniff and puff.

I'm a mother who screams for 
someone to save her.

Nobody knows what to say anymore...

I'm dying inside,
watching addiction
Abduct my baby.

"She's an adult" they say
"There's nothing you can do"

I just have to stand by
Watch her die Slowly,
and when the day comes...

I'll bury her alone
Because nobody knows what to say

Poem - Why do I?

I've walked through hell twice,
Thrice I came out unscathed....
Then why must I..
Choose, always, the wrong path?

If the mere scent of danger...
Is enough to pull me in...
At this point I'm no stranger....
To the struggle within. 

The turmoil I have inside,
Is mine, alone, to carry, 
mistakes are taken in stride...
And Trust's at the cemetery......

Killing all good will in sight...
One action at a time
Sometimes out of spite, 
Others for the sake of the crime...

How then can I wonder...
Why they all left...
As i sit here and ponder...
How i failed every test