Sunday, June 11, 2017

Poem - Too Late

Why weren't you there
Why didn't you even care
The scars deep inside
I just threw them aside

I pretended that things were okay
When they were actually in disarray
I was left alone, all filled up with hate
Years have passed, now it's all too late

I sewed myself shut from you
Now you can't break me, you can't push through
You don't mean anything to me anymore
You're just a prisoner of your own war

Poem - I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment 
I didn't mean to do what I did
I'm sorry I'm such a disgrace
I'm sorry if I embarrassed you
You say I was an accident 
You said I was a mistake
But what really hurt 
Was when you said you wanted me dead

Friday, June 2, 2017

Poem - Scars

Here on my arm lies a mark that I made.
When I was so low I cut with a blade
To punish my body for being a mess,
Though here is my testament, I must confess...

That seeing these scars left on my arms, legs and chest
Makes me realize I was in a place of no rest;
I feel guilty inside for leaving this token.
Now I will see and remember that I was so broken.

But seeing these scars helps me see
That I survived so much trauma and now I am free;
So I ask of you now to stand with me and fight,
To show all these demons what they're doing's not right,

You won the battle of good versus bad.
You are still alive and are no longer sad;
Here on my arm lies a mark of survival,
I got through my hate and beat my self-rival.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Poem - Childhood Demons

Not a cloud in the sky
And yet its pouring rain 
I've been struck by lightning 
But I am numb to its pain

There's too much scar tissue
Been burned too many times
Twenty-seven years of hell
Inspiring these rhymes

Scar on my left brow
"Children should be seen, and not heard
I will hit you again
If you say another word"

Children should never know 
The pain of cigarette burns
Or press a blade to their wrist
Bleeding as the bayonet turns

I remember when I was five
I just wanted to die
I was beaten everyday
While my "mother" was getting high

Hadn't even started school,
I was touched and groped by fiends
Whispers I hear to this day
When my demons convene

Now I am older, chip on shoulder
Dysfunctional veteran, disturbed
No fuse to speak of, its so short
And I'm dangerously perturbed 

No one hurts me anymore for
Dangerous thoughts plague my mind
They know if they hurt me now
I will respond in kind

Its not eye for an eye
I go for the throat
I only swing to put down
Like a vet with a garrote

One man army life created
Towards me- the wrong direction 
Wake up strapped down and sedated
Witnessing your own vivisection 

That's a live dissection for
Those of you who don't know
The darkness where I grew 
My daughters will never know

How did I learn to parent?
My baby sister and brother...
Someone had to take the hits
From a cocaine infused mother

Permanent clouds loom
Everywhere that I walk
And in my shadow I hear talking
As my deadly demons stalk

Poem - Nobody Knows What to Say Anymore

My pen is filled with so many tears,
the paper is beginning to look like
a tidal wave of emotion.

Cocaine has kidnapped my daughter
forced her to live a life of naked humiliation,
meth is the monster who lives inside her soul;
she has become a "cracked" egg.

Two days of detox; teases my hope
only to leave me crying again;

A
L
O
N
E

The drive from work becomes
a scary invitation of madness.

I am not afraid to admit
That I'm a coward,
I can't bare to watch her die

S
L
O
W
L
Y

Killing her unborn son
With every sniff and puff.

I'm a mother who screams for 
someone to save her.

Nobody knows what to say anymore...

I'm dying inside,
watching addiction
Abduct my baby.

"She's an adult" they say
"There's nothing you can do"

I just have to stand by
Watch her die Slowly,
and when the day comes...

I'll bury her alone
Because nobody knows what to say

Poem - Why do I?

I've walked through hell twice,
Thrice I came out unscathed....
Then why must I..
Choose, always, the wrong path?

If the mere scent of danger...
Is enough to pull me in...
At this point I'm no stranger....
To the struggle within. 

The turmoil I have inside,
Is mine, alone, to carry, 
mistakes are taken in stride...
And Trust's at the cemetery......

Killing all good will in sight...
One action at a time
Sometimes out of spite, 
Others for the sake of the crime...

How then can I wonder...
Why they all left...
As i sit here and ponder...
How i failed every test

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Story - Search for Answers (Book One)

I have not wrote in such a long time. I feeling that writing wasn't for me. Now I have been studying my Scriptures and found God is there if I need him for anything. I found myself praying for help and guidance. He led me to believe in my own skills and gifts for writing once more. I found he is guiding me with the help of my guardian angels. Yes I believe in angels. I have seen them and know they exist. I'm a devote Catholic.

This is how I outlined my story and came up with an incredible story-line. I think this story will be fantastic once it's been written. I'll be working on it for the next month and following months to come. I'm not going to rush this one. It's not going to be a nano story either. Watch and learn about my work on this blog. It's dedicated to my writing of poetry and stories alike. I also post stuff I want to share about my life and also other junk too.

Outline
Reaching the age of 13... Brianna Kincaid had just got home from camp for the second time for the summer. She returns home a bit depressed as she noticed she is entering puberty. She doesn't want to confide in her mother right now. all she wants to do is relax in her room. that is her privacy space. little did she know her mother had invited a student into their home. they did have a big five bedroom house, but it was their house, nobody else.  why did her mother do this to her? she wanted to find out why this girl was here? Then it was time for a new school year. Brianna wanted to learn more about this student from Ireland. She was curious about why her mother had allowed a girl to enter their home. She preferred it when it was the two of them. How could her mother do this horrid thing to her.

Just as she finds out she is starting her first menstrual cycle, she figures out her is not like no normal 13 yr old girl. She is way different. She could even talk about the things that were happening to her with her own mother. Brianna got the notion to run away and hide from the world. This would solve everything she thought. It wouldn't though was the thing. She was being watched by an angel. the angel was her father. Nobody had told Brianna she was half angel, half human. She found she was growing wings, she slowly learning that she had powers of her own. She began seeing the future by just touching a person. It freaked her out at first. She got it into her head she was going crazy. She wanted to talk with her mother, but with the student always around it was hard to get one on one time with her mother. She began thinking her mother preferred the student to her. She got jealous from time to time.

This is the story of how Brianna Jade Kincaid got her wings and her special powers thanks to her father and God. How she could hear Jesus and God talking to her through the Holy Scriptures.

Excerpt
Brianna needed someone who she could talk about what was happening to her. She found it hard to get her favorite t-shirt on. This was odd to her. She knew her mother wasn't going to be home till three in the afternoon after her morning shift at the cafe Le Harve. It was a nice restaurant which served French and Italian cuisine. She is walked to the full length mirror She couldn' see anything out the ordinary till she turned to look at her back. She wanted to freak out.
The thought of something growing out her mid to high back. She took a good look in the mirror it looked like she was growing wings, white wings at that. She was a freak as it was in school. Now this would make it major freaking. The popular girls at school always called her a freak and geek. She was a Pokemon and video game geek, along with being about to program her own software. She had created her own website with the software she created to make short change to add to her allowance.

She pulled the t-shirt over her head pulling it down. Her small wings were making it look like she had something on her back. Now this was not something she wanted happening. She had to call her best friend. Grabbing her phone, she pressed her speed dial to call Sage Mitchell's cell. It was something she had to get Sage to meet her somewhere, not at home for sure. Home was her sacred sanctum. She knew Sage had sleeped in her room at her house several times over the years of friendship. Right now Brianna wanted was out the house. 



Monday, May 15, 2017

Poem - Who am I?

Who am l
I'm lost within the darkness...
Aimlessly wondering alone
I see a candle burning into the distant 
But direction is non-existence

Where is the path to walk on?
I cannot see...
The world is so blinding
Can someone turn on the light for me?

Hold my hand please
Don't let go!
I can't make it on my own

My heart is broken
My mind is a mess
I bleed to feel
How else will I heal?
Scars surround me
Is this even real?

Who am I...
I'll let you decide.

Poem - I'd Have to Deal


All I want to do is breathe
Yet all I ever feel is that I'm suffocating 
Sometimes it's unnoticeable 
Sometimes I'm fighting to breathe 
Feels like my chest is breaking

I cry all the time with no reason
I think of ending it all 
All the possible ways of doing so 
I'm suffocating I'm trapped 
I'm trapped in my body 
Yet I feel I'm not living 
I feel like I need an escape 

Feeling lost and scared all the time
Breathing can be so unbearable 
But then holding my breath
Tryin not to breathe
Feeling fate then letting go

I hold my head underwater sometimes
Letting go 
But something always pulls me up
The feeling of nearly dying

I feel that all the time even when I'm not even stressing 
My anxiety is fine 
Yet I'm still fighting to breathe 
Holding my chest like it's about to burst
Just burst I yell yet nothing happens 
I start breathing again
Then I have this feeling 
Dread fear lost confused 

I don't understand why I feel this way
Parts of me wants to belong
But then other parts wants me gone!
No one understands 
No one knows I feel like this
I can't say it out loud to them
They will change I know it

I'd be bubble wrapped 
Though I already feel that way
Controlled by everyone around me
Being told what to do
That alone, is suffocating 
That alone, makes me not belong

They say speak tell people how you feel
Words I'm not good with words
I stutter I fall over
If I say how I feel out loud 
Then what wud happen
Would I fall to the ground
Would I finally break down

It's easier typing writing down
But no one I care about will read this
I'll hide it away
They can't see me
Deep down how I feel
No to scary 
Cause then I'd have to deal

Poem - It's Just A...

I'm tired of the depression that lives inside 
I'm tired of all these lies 
It's just a cut
It's just a scar but it's more than that 
Why can't the whispering just stop
I feel pain inside 
Pain that I can't describe

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Poem - Angels inthe Dust

There was once a girl who braved the world
She fought hard and she fought strong
Until suddenly everything went wrong
And even though inside she was breaking –
She helped the others
She glued them together
Always wishing for some glue of her own
Or someone to call home
She just wants someone to help her
But she’ll never ask for help
Because even angels have to fall

There was once a girl who never gave up
She stood tall and proud-
A rose among thorns
A diamond in the rough
But she had demons of her own-
She faced them every day at home
And she’s losing her power
She just wants it to stop
And she trying her hardest to pretend it okay
With a smile on her face
With tears in her eyes
She’s so very important but she’s dying inside
Because even angels have to fall sometime

There was once a girl who fell into the darkness
She tried so hard to find her way out
But life destroys all hope in the dark
And she’s silently crying for someone to help her
But no one ever listens until it’s too late
And her skin is marred by the demons that envelop her soul
She just wants release
Just wants a little less pain
Because even angels have to fall

There was once a girl who stood out of the crowd
Her strength made her different
Her head never bowed
But the world is cruel
And people are as well
An before she knew it
Her strength led her straight to hell
And now she’s falling
Her concern still for everyone else
She doesn’t realise she has all she needs to fly
Because even angels have to fall sometime

There was once a girl who let talent rule her mind
She forgot who she was and lived for someone else
She acted as her talents suggest
But always only meant it as a stupid jest
And now the world has brought her down
Told her she was never good enough
And she’s screaming out for someone to help her
But every ones gone
They got sick of her jests
No one realised it was all an act
To cover up the crying girl inside
And she doesn’t know what to do anymore
Because even angels have to fall

There was once a girl who pretended for a while
She was always the steady one in the group
And when she wasn’t she covered it up
She didn’t spread around her problems
She didn’t ask for help
And soon got lost in okay
No one asks about her emotions
About how she’s feeling today
And she’s starting to realise that this wasn’t the way
And that maybe- She’s not okay
Because even angels have to fall sometime

There was once a girl whose stubbornness controlled her soul
She wouldn’t let her emotions show
She covered up
And let the world be cruel
She didn’t realise what a little help would do
And now the world’s crashing in on her
She doesn’t know what to do
And she forgets the sun when there’s clouds
And that there will always be a light in the dark
She thinks breaking makes her weak
But no one else feels the same
Because even angels have to fall

There was once a girl who ran away
She ran from people and she ran from yesterday
She hides in the future
And waits for the day when she feels okay
She’s hiding behind her ever after
She doesn’t know what to do
Or how to feel
Or who can help
And she’s drowning in her happy ending
Because it’s not happy yet
No one she’s how badly she’s breaking
Or that she no longer wants to live
And she’s beginning to wonder if they would have helped at all
If they ever bothered to see her crawl
Because even angels have to fall

And all these angels have fallen to hell
They’re stuck in the fire
Deep down the well
But they help each other
Together they shine bright
And maybe – just maybe
With a little help they could save themselves
They could turn on the light
But right now they are down there,
Crying silently at night
They hold onto each other
And they hold on tight
But the worlds left them on the corner
Waiting for the day
And it rains too much for them to fly away
So for now they will stay there
They will stay there till dusk
Until everyone realises they are angels in the dust

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Poem - If Heaven...

If heaven had a postal service,
From earth to up above,
That is a job I’d definitely take,
To see the ones I love,
Id personally write a letter,
No matter how long or short,
Just to hand deliver,
And see them every morn.
Like “dear dad I’ve been missing you,
I know it’s been a while,
And though thoughts of you,
Make me want to cry,
The memories make me smile”
Id pack it in my postbag,
And take it straight up high,
Shake his hand and hug him,
And chat the whole day by.
There’d also be “dear Bailee,
I know you cannot read,
But I’m writing you this anyway,
Just so we can meet,
Your Mom and I we miss you,
Oh so very much,
And every word of you that’s said or thought,
Is always filled with love,
We have so much to show you,
For you to shine down on,
Your mother gets more beautiful,
The more that time goes on,
Though heaven forbid you tell her that,
She'll only say you’re wrong,
It doesn’t make her right though,
She just struggled from the start,
To see just what she means to me,
And that she owns my heart,
And did you know that Mia-leigh is working very hard,
Ready for SATs to come?
She likes to draw nice pictures,
That your other sisters love,
Loves dancing, clothes and make-up,
And her bike don’t get me started,
If she could she’d ride from sunrise,
Until the moon comes up.
And Zarah-j she loves to sing,
Big girl songs,
Not nursery rhymes,
And TV and playing,
And not forgetting Kyrah-mae,
She really loves to dance,
She takes care of her dollies,
And loves cuddles at every chance,
Then your brother Stefan,
The little know it all,
Loves space and playing video games,
And mostly dinosaurs,
All of them they love you,
They keep you in their hearts,
And often try to find you,
The brightest of the stars”
Id sign it and I’d seal it,
As soon as it was done,
Id run it straight to heaven,
And read it to my son.
If heaven had a postal service,
As tiring as it’d be,
Id take the job so everyday,
My loved ones I could see.